You are more than brown and smelly
my little fecal friend
you come in different sizes
sometimes you never end
From walnut whip to splatter
my little fecal friend
you never disappoint me
your smell seems to transcend
it creeps under the toilet door
announcing it's arrival
screams of "open the window "
are heard in every household
So ode to the poo
it's always underestimated
From first sploosh
to last flush
a poo will be created.
Friday, 17 June 2011
Sunday, 5 June 2011
creatively swinging ones pants
So here's the thing , you read the books, you watch the television shows , you see the films. At the end what do you do ? Do you think mmm not bad kind of enjoyed that right what's next, or do you sit and think for a bit about how what you just watched made you feel ? Could you connect with the characters ? Did you follow the plot ? Was there a twist at the end that left you sitting on your sofa thinking wow never saw that coming ? Or did you sit unsatisfied and mutter under your breath "I could do better one hand tied behind my back." Here's the thing though how many of you actually could ?
Do you have an imagination that plays in your head like a movie clip ? You can see the characters hear what they say feel how they feel. You get flash's of a story, stolen pieces as if from a programme no one has ever seen before. You feel unexplained emotions , hear parts of conversations , are transported to places you haven't been to. What do you do with all of these things if you have them playing over and over ? This is what you do.You embrace them, you welcome them and you write.
For the past ten years the same few characters have been playing out their lives in my head. So i wrote about them. I was the silent observer brandishing a pen recording every action and reaction. It's easy to lose yourself in another life. The hard part comes when real life gets in the way. It's harder to turn off than you could imagine sometimes. You resent phone calls, having to do everyday domestic things get in the way so you stop doing them. things pile up around you and you fail to notice them until someone asks you what's for tea, or you run out of spoons and can't make a cup of tea. The best example is when your walking down the street having what you think is a silent conversation in your head and then wonder why your getting strange looks from other people.Then it hits you . You have spent the whole journey muttering under your breath, pulling faces and then the ultimate moment when you make a hand gesture, not a little one that can be covered up but a big swinging operatic one . The sort people look at and then move away quickly from. Yes i have done all of that . I have been the mad woman at the bus stop people shy away from who makes faces for no reason. All because i have an imagination that takes over and announces itself in glorious technicolor and sometimes when i would rather it didn't.
saying all of that i love being able to drift off into my head, a pen in my hand, music playing and seeing where it leads me . Better still is having someone around who doesn't just pat you on the head and say that's nice dear when you say your about to do some writing. Someone who will refill your mug without you having to hint too much, who moves your desk round so you can sit closer to the keyboard to type. Someone who sorts out the back of your chair for you when it decides to lower itself when you least expect it to and someone who doesn't complain too much when you narrowly miss running over his foot with your chair while looking for a particular part of the plotline, music blaring out of your headphones so loudly that you don't notice anyone being there.
moral of this blog is embrace your imagination . Let it take you to places you least expect it to for without a imagination where would we all be ?
Do you have an imagination that plays in your head like a movie clip ? You can see the characters hear what they say feel how they feel. You get flash's of a story, stolen pieces as if from a programme no one has ever seen before. You feel unexplained emotions , hear parts of conversations , are transported to places you haven't been to. What do you do with all of these things if you have them playing over and over ? This is what you do.You embrace them, you welcome them and you write.
For the past ten years the same few characters have been playing out their lives in my head. So i wrote about them. I was the silent observer brandishing a pen recording every action and reaction. It's easy to lose yourself in another life. The hard part comes when real life gets in the way. It's harder to turn off than you could imagine sometimes. You resent phone calls, having to do everyday domestic things get in the way so you stop doing them. things pile up around you and you fail to notice them until someone asks you what's for tea, or you run out of spoons and can't make a cup of tea. The best example is when your walking down the street having what you think is a silent conversation in your head and then wonder why your getting strange looks from other people.Then it hits you . You have spent the whole journey muttering under your breath, pulling faces and then the ultimate moment when you make a hand gesture, not a little one that can be covered up but a big swinging operatic one . The sort people look at and then move away quickly from. Yes i have done all of that . I have been the mad woman at the bus stop people shy away from who makes faces for no reason. All because i have an imagination that takes over and announces itself in glorious technicolor and sometimes when i would rather it didn't.
saying all of that i love being able to drift off into my head, a pen in my hand, music playing and seeing where it leads me . Better still is having someone around who doesn't just pat you on the head and say that's nice dear when you say your about to do some writing. Someone who will refill your mug without you having to hint too much, who moves your desk round so you can sit closer to the keyboard to type. Someone who sorts out the back of your chair for you when it decides to lower itself when you least expect it to and someone who doesn't complain too much when you narrowly miss running over his foot with your chair while looking for a particular part of the plotline, music blaring out of your headphones so loudly that you don't notice anyone being there.
moral of this blog is embrace your imagination . Let it take you to places you least expect it to for without a imagination where would we all be ?
Monday, 16 May 2011
not exactly swinging my pants here folks
it's been a few months since i did one of these puppies called a blog. well things change lives move on , people fall apart and then find other people ect ect ect . well i cleaned house , i started being vaguely domestic. You can see more floor space now than you could before . Thing is is this a good thing or not ? Does this mean that i am loosing my edge as some people have suggested though not exactly as bluntly as i have just said it , but it has been hinted at thats for sure. Maybe it's the misery loves company thing i really couldnt tell you without being brutal . Think i may let tact take over and sit on my pointy fence for this one. I have found that a little opinion is a dangerous thing sometimes so i tend to keep mine to myself and let them bubble in a big mental caldron.
talking of mental not that anyone was mind you but i thought i would bring it up. i have the feeling that this is about to become a random rollercoaster of shit . Anyway back to mental . I hear it's mental health month and that got me thinking about shit/stuff for the more polite out there that read this. The main debate raging in my head was the pills vs feelings debate . It's an interesting one for me . Right now i have been two weeks anti D's free and im still wondering if that was a good idea or not. My mind is running in circles right now. All this things that my lovely little white to be taken daily tablets have been squashing are coming to he fore front of my head once more. My sleeping pattern is well interesting . I sleep but not well i have nightmares i wake wondering where the hell i am and not remembering what i have dreamt. But at least now i can actually put something down on a blog that doesn't sound like today i did this then i did that isnt life wonderful ( yawn yawn ) . I mainly stoppe d them because although i could function i couldn't feel , i couldnt write i wasn't inspired my imagination had left me. Infact i hadnt done anything creative for months and that i hated . i hate not having an imagination i hate not feeling inspired it's as if a part of me goes missing when that happens. It's like loosing a limb or the part of your mind that keeps everything interesting . Dare i say it it's like being normal and i fucking hate it . so i stopped taking the pills . two weeks on first blog is happening and i havent killed anyone so far. bit of a result really because i have a terrible temper when things dont happen the way i think they should do. So the pills vs the madness personally i have chosen the madness because its what i know . Have i given up ? no i am embracing who i am the unedited version nothing squashed with white fluffiness, no walking in soup for these pants . maybe i will be able to get some writing done well thats the plan anyhow if i ever get off twitter long enough to do anythat is.
until next time the pants have left the building
talking of mental not that anyone was mind you but i thought i would bring it up. i have the feeling that this is about to become a random rollercoaster of shit . Anyway back to mental . I hear it's mental health month and that got me thinking about shit/stuff for the more polite out there that read this. The main debate raging in my head was the pills vs feelings debate . It's an interesting one for me . Right now i have been two weeks anti D's free and im still wondering if that was a good idea or not. My mind is running in circles right now. All this things that my lovely little white to be taken daily tablets have been squashing are coming to he fore front of my head once more. My sleeping pattern is well interesting . I sleep but not well i have nightmares i wake wondering where the hell i am and not remembering what i have dreamt. But at least now i can actually put something down on a blog that doesn't sound like today i did this then i did that isnt life wonderful ( yawn yawn ) . I mainly stoppe d them because although i could function i couldn't feel , i couldnt write i wasn't inspired my imagination had left me. Infact i hadnt done anything creative for months and that i hated . i hate not having an imagination i hate not feeling inspired it's as if a part of me goes missing when that happens. It's like loosing a limb or the part of your mind that keeps everything interesting . Dare i say it it's like being normal and i fucking hate it . so i stopped taking the pills . two weeks on first blog is happening and i havent killed anyone so far. bit of a result really because i have a terrible temper when things dont happen the way i think they should do. So the pills vs the madness personally i have chosen the madness because its what i know . Have i given up ? no i am embracing who i am the unedited version nothing squashed with white fluffiness, no walking in soup for these pants . maybe i will be able to get some writing done well thats the plan anyhow if i ever get off twitter long enough to do anythat is.
until next time the pants have left the building
Thursday, 3 February 2011
how not to make an instant whip
i am not a domestic goddess . i have never been a domestic goddess . if i ever turn out to be a domestic goddess please fell free to shoot me . my house resembles a cross between a spiders web and a bad day in beruit but i do know where everything is honest . well my thinking is if i can't find it i obviously don't need it do i .
so tonight i had a sudden little burst of something not sure what mind you but for this blog we can call it inspiration. i remembered that i had instant whip of the chocolate variety lurking in the back of one of my cupboards in the kitchen . with new found enthusiasm i skipped ( well walked at a steady pace ) to said cupboard and brought forth said whip.
now instant whip is pretty idiot proof when you make it add milk, stir, bung in fridge , clock watch , tap fingers impatiently and after a reasonable amount of time you have whip. well you would have thought so wouldn't you? but no.
here is the story of what will now be known as whip gate .
firstly no clean mixing jugs they were both in the washing up , the glass one and the plastic one that makes wierd cracking noises when you pour hot water into it. so i used my brain and got a pint glass. brilliant i could still do this i thought. i haphazardly sloshed sort of the right amount of milk , should have been half a pint looked more like a pint by the end but well that was ok i could work with that. then i ripped off the top of the packet and plopped the powder into said milk. it didnt dissolve . it sat on the top of the milk like a defiant budda daring me to mix it in without a lump in sight.
heavy sigh i noticed that the whisk was in the same washing up with the jugs . i used a spoon , a big spoon and i mixed. infact i mixed till my wrist hurt . it was still lumpy. looking at it i reasoned that the lumps weren't that big and put it in the fridge. so i wait for a few minutes , get impatient and then go to investigate. so how do you know that it's set ? well you wobble the glass don't you ? well i thought you did . the top was set . awsome i thought grabbed a spoon and took and spoonful.
oh god . oh god no . i was eating fermented powder and no milk at all . it was like eating sawdust . i can only imagine the face i pulled you can only imagine the words i muttered under my breath. i stuck the spoon in further . bloody liquid . right more stirring . so i stirred and i stirred . then i remember i have a plug in whisk thing i have never used on top of a cupboard where the spiders are . do i get it or do i continue stirring? continue stirring are you mad ? no sod that i got the whisk down , put it together and plugged it in . maybe i should have reset it so it wasn't on warp speed before turning it on. my once cream jumper is now chocolate and cream but it worked . the whip has been returned to the fridge now properly whipped to within an inch of it's life and my sanity.
i really hope i fancy it once it's set .
so tonight i had a sudden little burst of something not sure what mind you but for this blog we can call it inspiration. i remembered that i had instant whip of the chocolate variety lurking in the back of one of my cupboards in the kitchen . with new found enthusiasm i skipped ( well walked at a steady pace ) to said cupboard and brought forth said whip.
now instant whip is pretty idiot proof when you make it add milk, stir, bung in fridge , clock watch , tap fingers impatiently and after a reasonable amount of time you have whip. well you would have thought so wouldn't you? but no.
here is the story of what will now be known as whip gate .
firstly no clean mixing jugs they were both in the washing up , the glass one and the plastic one that makes wierd cracking noises when you pour hot water into it. so i used my brain and got a pint glass. brilliant i could still do this i thought. i haphazardly sloshed sort of the right amount of milk , should have been half a pint looked more like a pint by the end but well that was ok i could work with that. then i ripped off the top of the packet and plopped the powder into said milk. it didnt dissolve . it sat on the top of the milk like a defiant budda daring me to mix it in without a lump in sight.
heavy sigh i noticed that the whisk was in the same washing up with the jugs . i used a spoon , a big spoon and i mixed. infact i mixed till my wrist hurt . it was still lumpy. looking at it i reasoned that the lumps weren't that big and put it in the fridge. so i wait for a few minutes , get impatient and then go to investigate. so how do you know that it's set ? well you wobble the glass don't you ? well i thought you did . the top was set . awsome i thought grabbed a spoon and took and spoonful.
oh god . oh god no . i was eating fermented powder and no milk at all . it was like eating sawdust . i can only imagine the face i pulled you can only imagine the words i muttered under my breath. i stuck the spoon in further . bloody liquid . right more stirring . so i stirred and i stirred . then i remember i have a plug in whisk thing i have never used on top of a cupboard where the spiders are . do i get it or do i continue stirring? continue stirring are you mad ? no sod that i got the whisk down , put it together and plugged it in . maybe i should have reset it so it wasn't on warp speed before turning it on. my once cream jumper is now chocolate and cream but it worked . the whip has been returned to the fridge now properly whipped to within an inch of it's life and my sanity.
i really hope i fancy it once it's set .
Sunday, 23 January 2011
a little thought about opinions and jokes
so this has had me thinking . people on twitter getting slammed for opinions that other less maybe intelligent people fail to see has light hearted humor . now not everyone tweets about the same thing on there . some people use it as a networking thing , others to meet new people and share views . some as another way to stalk the stars that appear on there z list or other wise , while other people use it to berate these so called stars for their imperfections . personally i think it should be used however the person using this social networking sight ( for really thats what it is ) feel like using it .
saying that people will take offence sometimes. so baring that in mind here's my thoughts on the whole thing. now there are certain buttons on twitter the unfollow/follow button, the block button . now you see someting you dont like unfollow the person and block them . why does anyone see fit to virtually jump up and down like an offended mary whitehouse shaking a handbag for gods sake. it's an opinion. if you dont like it don't read it simple .
now the other side of the coin goes a little something like this. maybe we should only make judgements or joke about things that we have experience in . in that case i have been a very tame little tweeter in the past. maybe from now on i shall tweet opinions about things i have experience with. here's a list of what you might expect.
incest
domestic violence
mental breakdowns
transvestites
small willies
threesomes
fighting
self harming
banana's ( long painful story )
anyway the moral of this blog is that no two people are the same .
no one should force an opinion down any one elses throat
and no one person is any better than the next
and the biggest lesson is
PEOPLE NEED TO GET LIVES SOMETIMES AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT
the pants have spoken
saying that people will take offence sometimes. so baring that in mind here's my thoughts on the whole thing. now there are certain buttons on twitter the unfollow/follow button, the block button . now you see someting you dont like unfollow the person and block them . why does anyone see fit to virtually jump up and down like an offended mary whitehouse shaking a handbag for gods sake. it's an opinion. if you dont like it don't read it simple .
now the other side of the coin goes a little something like this. maybe we should only make judgements or joke about things that we have experience in . in that case i have been a very tame little tweeter in the past. maybe from now on i shall tweet opinions about things i have experience with. here's a list of what you might expect.
incest
domestic violence
mental breakdowns
transvestites
small willies
threesomes
fighting
self harming
banana's ( long painful story )
anyway the moral of this blog is that no two people are the same .
no one should force an opinion down any one elses throat
and no one person is any better than the next
and the biggest lesson is
PEOPLE NEED TO GET LIVES SOMETIMES AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT
the pants have spoken
Saturday, 15 January 2011
the bored as a bollock blog
ok finally after a small rant on twitter i am here only took five attempts to let me in so thanks for that. as if being mind numbingly bored isn't enough i now have to face being ridiculed by a password fantastic. so yes folks you guessed it i am bored and when i get bored i ramble so im bored and rambling having spellt every second word wrong and leaving out all of the punctuation as you do if you are me and known to flout the rules of English language.
It's bad when your bored your mind wanders you look about and wonder what to do next . so ive tried watching twitter, ive listened to a film while watching twitter . ive even shhh dont tell anyone but i even went on face book eekk . does this mean that i will now be outed as a traitor to the twitter cause ? bollocks does it. it just means i was so bored i was multi tasking while seated at my desk . it happens most nights . it'a a talent i can send a text write a tweet poke a friend and answer the phone all from the comfort of my squeaking desk chair .
i got so bored earlier that i went and had a bath . yes i do bath not just when im bored . but today it got to about three this afternoon , i had flung washing into the flatulent machine , well if you call flinging anything taking things out of the fluffy ones laundry basket by my finger tips , separating the boxers from the trousers and then nudging them into the machine with my foot . the Ariel liquid tab decided that it was a reincarnation of a lemming two attempts to get it to stay in the machine . thank god for my ninja powers throw tab into machine and slam the door with lightening speed before it lands on the floor with a wet splat sound .
anyway up stairs i wandered to the bathroom the only decently decorated room in pants palace and ran a bath. now why is it that you put your hand in ok it's a hot bath but it's a good heat . then you climb into it . as soon as your foot touch's the water instant burning , but you can take it . maybe it wont be so bad if you put the other foot in . so you do and no it's still stripping the skin off your other ankle. but it's ok because if you lower yourself into the water your body will get used to it . so you do slowly and carefully employing the breathing that you should have learnt in parenting classes if you had ever attended any lower yourself into this steaming cauldron of pain. ok its hot so hot that if you were in the jungle this would be a pot on a fire and naked Pigmy's would be chopping vegetables into it and dancing . parts of you have now gone from glowing healthily to an angry mottled red and you daren't move . now you resemble a patchwork quilt of human nakedness red from the waste down white from the waist up .
maybe it will get better when you lie back ? seriously why does anyone think that ? does anyone but me think that ? probably not come to think about it . so deep breath and lower more of yourself into this water trying not to scream . it was no wonder really that i felt so light headed after i had come out of the bath red faced pink body'd and squeaky clean really . i think the only thing worse than a hot bath is one when the water goes cold half way through and you dont have anymore hot water in the tank . then you lie there and shiver not daring to move untill the heating comes back on and yes i have done that to.
so in conclusion as with everything in this life bath water has its own mind . it's out to get me . just like this computer that i seem to have a love hate can't live without it relationship with . well this has been fun . feel free to comment snigger laugh think i've lost the plot i have its called bordom .
until next time folks the pants have left the building .
It's bad when your bored your mind wanders you look about and wonder what to do next . so ive tried watching twitter, ive listened to a film while watching twitter . ive even shhh dont tell anyone but i even went on face book eekk . does this mean that i will now be outed as a traitor to the twitter cause ? bollocks does it. it just means i was so bored i was multi tasking while seated at my desk . it happens most nights . it'a a talent i can send a text write a tweet poke a friend and answer the phone all from the comfort of my squeaking desk chair .
i got so bored earlier that i went and had a bath . yes i do bath not just when im bored . but today it got to about three this afternoon , i had flung washing into the flatulent machine , well if you call flinging anything taking things out of the fluffy ones laundry basket by my finger tips , separating the boxers from the trousers and then nudging them into the machine with my foot . the Ariel liquid tab decided that it was a reincarnation of a lemming two attempts to get it to stay in the machine . thank god for my ninja powers throw tab into machine and slam the door with lightening speed before it lands on the floor with a wet splat sound .
anyway up stairs i wandered to the bathroom the only decently decorated room in pants palace and ran a bath. now why is it that you put your hand in ok it's a hot bath but it's a good heat . then you climb into it . as soon as your foot touch's the water instant burning , but you can take it . maybe it wont be so bad if you put the other foot in . so you do and no it's still stripping the skin off your other ankle. but it's ok because if you lower yourself into the water your body will get used to it . so you do slowly and carefully employing the breathing that you should have learnt in parenting classes if you had ever attended any lower yourself into this steaming cauldron of pain. ok its hot so hot that if you were in the jungle this would be a pot on a fire and naked Pigmy's would be chopping vegetables into it and dancing . parts of you have now gone from glowing healthily to an angry mottled red and you daren't move . now you resemble a patchwork quilt of human nakedness red from the waste down white from the waist up .
maybe it will get better when you lie back ? seriously why does anyone think that ? does anyone but me think that ? probably not come to think about it . so deep breath and lower more of yourself into this water trying not to scream . it was no wonder really that i felt so light headed after i had come out of the bath red faced pink body'd and squeaky clean really . i think the only thing worse than a hot bath is one when the water goes cold half way through and you dont have anymore hot water in the tank . then you lie there and shiver not daring to move untill the heating comes back on and yes i have done that to.
so in conclusion as with everything in this life bath water has its own mind . it's out to get me . just like this computer that i seem to have a love hate can't live without it relationship with . well this has been fun . feel free to comment snigger laugh think i've lost the plot i have its called bordom .
until next time folks the pants have left the building .
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
new poem written just now
spare me your guilt
and your broken words
that hang on the wall
around your heart
spare me the pity
that shows in your eyes
as i quietly fall apart
take back the plans
those warm summer days
when we walked
and laughed and larked
all the times
when the love would shine
in your eyes
the same love
that now tears me apart
spare me the sorry
of the last sad goodbye
let this hurt
leave it's own mark
but spare me a thought
in those quiet lonely times
when you lie
all alone in the dark
and your broken words
that hang on the wall
around your heart
spare me the pity
that shows in your eyes
as i quietly fall apart
take back the plans
those warm summer days
when we walked
and laughed and larked
all the times
when the love would shine
in your eyes
the same love
that now tears me apart
spare me the sorry
of the last sad goodbye
let this hurt
leave it's own mark
but spare me a thought
in those quiet lonely times
when you lie
all alone in the dark
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