dental fluff

so today at pants palace is was the day of the dentist for the fluffy one . having had one of his teeth hit full on by a football last week and his usual dentist not being willing to see him at short notice i wandered him to mine cheeky yes but hey if you don't ask you don't get and i asked and i got. anyhow an hour several xrays , a long chat with the dentist about football and giggling that the xray of his teeth looked like fingers fluffy was told to come back today .
so back we went after school . the fluffy one used to filling his little face as soon as he gets out of school was mightily put out that i wouldn't let him eat anything before he got prodded , but after a few minutes face pulling he coped with the disappointment . we got to the dentist early . now when i say early i mean i couldn't remember what time i had booked couldn't find the appointment card in the carnage at pants palace and guessed the time. we were forty five minutes early. so to waste a little time fluffy asked if he could be a proper patient at my dentist because and quote fluffy ,
"My dentist is nasty . i like you better ."
that was the sentence that sealed the deal.now the fluffy one is a fully fledged member of my dentist and very happy he is to. while we sat there he discovered that some of his friends from school go there . the waiting room became like a social networking site for nine year olds at one point ,but as they all got seen one by one we were still waiting.
fluffy is a fidget a terrible fidget if there is a button he'll press it, a blind he'll pull it. at one point he went over to the counter and began prodding about to see what was on there. on the counter he found a pen attached to a chain and a ball that held the pen. fluffy being fluffy pulled the chain and the whole thing came off the counter and into his hand. glancing at the bottom of he announced,
"eww minging it's got chewing gum stuck to the bottom."
only to be told by the rather stern receptionist that it wasn't chewing gum but white tack.
by this point i had my head in my hands and was sliding into the chair in shame.
so replacing the pen and ball on the counter fluffy then checked under the chairs for gum danced to the radio while i died quietly inside.
i was so glad when we were called.
first thing fluffy notices is that the chair has changed colour from last week. now its red instead of green. he points this out to the dentist who tells him that it's to go with his school uniform which is red and grey. then fluffy looks out of the windows and asks what all the building work is for, to which the dentist who impresses me with his imagination replies, well we are making some more rooms. we knew you were coming back so we thought we'd make more room so when you get bigger you can still come to see us.
fluffy was suitably impressed by the answer and the following talk of paint colours that went with it .
and then the examination begins with fluffy pointing to parts of the dentists long line of buttons and gadgets and wanting to know which ones are about to be used on him. was he going to get the air that tickles or the scrappy thing ? where was the xray machine in this room ? why did they have water ? which button moved the chair and could he have some glasses for his eyes .
well his teeth are fine and he will be back in six months to see them . he promises faithfully to clean his teeth morning and night , and next time the dentist told him he could operate the chair and the light .
this is the dentist that small boys dreams are made of and fluffy is a very happy small boy right now.
so until next time dear readers the pants have left the building .

a lesson in depression

so it's nearly one o'clock in the morning and i am here . first time i've looked at the computer for a few days . the reason for this isn't because i have been busy but more because i've been ill. in fact i still am . depression is the name of this game and right now i'm loosing the battle.
now when you say your feeling depressed what usually springs to mind ? are you just having an off few days ? can you just shake it off like a cold or another virus? the answer to that is no you can't. it drowns you sapping your energy so you feel like your drowning in soup. it shuts you down from the inside out. just imagine if you will the energiser bunny without the batteries . even the simplest of tasks seem monumental and you simply stop caring. in fact you stop feeling anything at all. it takes you over sucking the life out of you all your personality disappears little by little and then it has you this thing that hangs around your neck like a dead weight.
so that's what i'm fighting now. it's got to the point where i can't be who i am in the real world of in the virtual world of twitter. which is why i havent taken part in either.
someone once asked me if i wanted to be known for my writing or an illness. right now i guess that i will be known for both . because i write i can put into words emotions and feelings that maybe can't be as easy expressed by other people and that makes me lucky if a little tortured. so this is my way of trying to be as honest as i can be about something that has been part of my life since junior school .if i have let anyone down then i'm sorry that maybe i'm not the person you thought i was. that person is still there somewhere the funny happy one with a random outlook on life. it's just hiding for a while in a box somewhere in my mind while the dark half takes over for a while. it will be back sometimes this weight that i carry takes more time to shift than at other times but it will shift eventually.
the good news is that so far i haven't seen any faces in the furniture or forgotten how to do the simple things like make a cup of tea which in the past has happened. sounds funny now but then it wasn't funny at all. imagine seeing a face appear in a bean bag an angry face with pigtales glaring at you through the fabric . that's when you know you need help . but not this time not yet now while i can still get up in the morning and force myself down the stairs and try and fight little by little.
and fight i am and fight i will for i am more than an illness the illness is not more than me .

in reply to the blog up norths blog on daughters

as a daughter i had a very difficult time with my father . For many years i looked up to him , was in awe of him and always felt that i had somehow let him down . If it wasn't for my father and the way i had been brought up, i would never have had the privliage of being introduced to so much culture. we shared a love of classical music , art, museums, reading all the things that made me terribley unpopular at school.
as a teenager i rebelled, refusing to listen to him even disliking what he stood for and running from what he had shared with me.
now though when he isn't here the moments that we had , listening to opera, walking round the Tate gallery in london and immersing ourselves in the arts are the ones that i treasure. now as a daughter i can look back and thank him quietly for what we shared and what he taught me when he was alive.

if poetry was scotch this would knock your socks off and cost loads

these poems are from twelve years ago but reading them makes me smile still . they say some drinks age well . i'd like to think these have to so enjoy .


he stands among friends
but alone
pain and desolation a barrier
apparent yet impassable

a heart broken and bleeding
lying in a pool of tears
a silent scream
into an empty night

touch his pain
and bleed with him
then watch
as he turns in on himself

feel helpless
as you try to understand him
feel his need
and know it isn't you he craves

taste his longing
with your tongue
feel the agony
as it cuts like a knife
and hope
that it will soon be over

and know
that he stands among friends
but always alone

a life in the week of these pants

i realised or rather i have realised that for some time i haven't blogged at all. it's not as if i have nothing to say more that some of the things are too raw to speak of . but the week as past me by and pants world is as it was. so now maybe it is the time to write.
so here goes the attitude decided she wasn't ever coming home and so adulf has been in and out collecting things for her. as soon as i think i have a few hours spare i then get the call to say that he will be over and to put the kettle on for the inevitable coffee. adulf has his own coffee here he won't drink mine. when i am feeling murderous i give his coffee to other people instead of my cheaper brand . well it is the little things that keep me amused his did for seven yrs. so i have been subject to endless trampled stairs and mutterings about how much crap she has in her room.think the highlight for me when a rather white faced adulf came down and quietly gave me a packet of durex he had found in her room. that may well have been a u tube moment. first time i went into her room and opened the wardrobe it hit me that there was nothing there, my stomache hurt , the room spun, the world dropped a little and i had to shut the door of the room after just so i didn't have to see how empty it was.
so i had to do something to take my mind off things. and when things get like that quiet and i am in danger of thinking too much music is a good distraction. the thing is on further investigation of my cd collection i come to realise that most of the music i have seems to be in danger of wearing incontinence pants and dribbling into it's soup. ah well music is music so i spent a good few hours on my own with the music on full blast playing air guitar in my kitchen. unfortunately for me the back door was open and i was caught red faced by the neighbours not only playing air guitar but singing to. and all of that was only on the sunday . these pants still had to wonder into the exitment of another week.
the fluffy one went back to school this week complaining that none of hit jumpers or shirts fit him. he is lying ofcourse they do fit him it's just his arms are slightly too long thats all . so we now have the joy of the morning and afternoon school runs and all the wonders that they hold. i have decided that in order to remember all of what happens and what i think to take a notebook with me.
the highlight of today though was leaving my fluffy nine yr old in charge of iceland shopping for tea . i was expecting him to get the one pound pizza and leave but no . the first warning sign was when he got a basket out of the pile. i really should have known then but no i let that one slide. so pizza , garlic bread , chicken super noodles , box drinks and and everest of crisps later we were finally on our way home.
i had to break the news that the indestructable gold fish had finally expired two weeks after i finally nepalmed the dirt off the tank. he asked me where is was .
"Burial at sea ." was my reply
fluffy nodded sagely,
"you flushed him down the toilet then." he said
"mmmmm" was my reply
and now here we are and it's friday night. another week looms large in pants world but first i have a weekend to get through. a garden to mow, dead moths to hover up from my stairs where they all seem to go to die. sometimes i wish i planned more to do but weekends always seem to drag in at pants manor.
but until next time ladies and gentlemen the pants have left the building.