the creativity paper chase

a few days ago i had a sudden attack of inspiration. it's not the sort of thing you can take a tablet for and hope that it will go away. they don't go when you have a mind like a hamster wheel and things go round and round in your mind. you see things as if they are on a big screen in your head, stolen conversations with people you'll never know, situations that you will never be in, places you can only dream of and all in your mind.
anyway i had this idea f a concept blog of sorts a work of fiction if you will. great idea something that i could do and hopefully people if they ever found it would enjoy. so blog was set up i nearly managed to do it all myself even the techy stuff that usually leaves me ranting and barking orders at the resident man. ok so he tweaked it so it looked nice and i sat as far away from the screen as possible and told him not to explain to me what he was doing, i didnt want to know i just wanted it done.So it was done and it has sat there bare till now.
So whats stopping me now ? i havent written anything for months. In fact i went as far as saying that i would never write again. Apparently blogging isnt writing so i have been told so this doesn't count. but for days now i have had something going round and round in my head a great idea for something. How do i know it's a great idea ? rule of thumb if it's still there in the morning and it doesnt leave your head and you keep thinking about it then it's a good idea. I could see it all so clearly. I have the first paragraph in my mind exactly and it's been there all week near enough.
i brought a brand new posh notebook, and found a posh writing pen well posh to my standards anyway and this afternoon i had a few hours when there was no one around so i thought now was the time. get something written and then blog it and after that hide under the desk and wait for someone to tell you how crap it is. i didnt have to hide though.
as soon as i started to write anything down it looked wrong, it sounded wrong. oh christ i thought i'm out of practice at the writing thing. but i kept going. in fact i have thought of nothing else all evening. i even went away and then came back to it, picked up the pen and had another go. it's a great idea , but it's wrong. i have taken a great concept and arsed it up.
do self doubt sets in. maybe i should never have picked up that pen, spent money on that notebook. maybe i should have kept those thoughts in my head where i could see this story unfold, maybe it's better off there. so now i am looking at the things i have written and i am wondering if i have to do the unthinkable and tear the pages out and throw them away. i have never ever done that before. i don't rewrite i tweak. i never throw anything away till now. what if i have lost what little touch i had. had my time past ? should i just sit quietly at my desk and watch while others who are far more capable than i do the only thing that has driven me for 35 years. writing is all i ever wanted to do and now i am wondering if i actually can. or am i just a day dreamer with a multicolor imagination ?

the i'm fine myth

it's been a while i am more grumpy than usual. i have a mind that won't stop and a body that won't start. i am avoiding people as much as i can, but it's hard when you don't live by yourself. times like this i wish i did although it's probably not the healthiest thing to be doing. any how enough of that, let's concentrate on todays lesson.

imagine this your walking down the street you see someone you havent seen for a while you ask them how they are. what do they say ?
"I'm fine "

those two little words signify one of the biggest planetary lies available. People are never just "fine" . Fine is one of those magnolia words used when you can't think of anything to say or you don't want to get into a conversation. Saying your fine is like saying something is nice or someone is nice. It's a double edged insult , it's bordering on boring, it's the thing you say when you can't think of a better word to describe how things are. It's a lie a mythical word for a mythical frame of mind. it's like sudden brain death just hit your ability for descriptive verse.
 saying all of that though it can also be used when you don't want to burden people with your life. You know they have other things going on and when they ask you " i'm fine " is a way of you acknowledging the fact that they care but also that they have enough going on.
So don't ask me how i am. i may have to go magnolia on your arse ( said in best american typing accent ) and tell you that,
"I'm fine ."