Christmas Bloody Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year or so we are lead to believe if we listen to the song that has been stuck in my head since mid november.
The grim truth is i hate it and everything it stands for. The gluttony , the greed , the sprouts, crap so called christmas films that should fill you with a sense of zombie like happiness. They don't they are just bad films that are thrown at us at the same time every year and  labeled christmas classics.
Then there is family. Those wonderful folks that you spend the vast proportion of the year avoiding like the absolute plague and here they are all flatulent from sprouts wearing the stupidest paper hats and in your LIVING ROOM  and your expected to play board games with them.
There was a christmas not so long ago when for a split second while cutting carrots, i did toy with the idea of cutting off a finger and spending christmas day at the hospital. For those few magical moments i was happy in my day dream.
Sadly this time of year is fast approaching with all the enthusiasm of a chocolate smeared toddler who has just filled his nappy. How do i know this you may wonder.
Well it's the little things that give it away.
Firstly it's getting cold there is talk of snow.
Secondly the adverts have taken on their own air of desperation and forced happiness. So now they are even more awful than usual.
Thirdly some social net working sights seem to be filled with people putting up pictures of the christmas tree the symbol of the first of many arguments in the household over this period. I don't want to see them . I have zero interest in the fact that all your lights are working and you have morphed your frontroom into another santa's grotto.
So this year as with every other year i can think of i will refuse to send out the cards , i will grudgingly buy the minimum amount of gifts. If i get pressured into it i may grumpily throw a tree somewhere ( i got one already decorated ) and i will spend the rest of this time reminding people who really should know better to not bother me with anything even vaguely seasonal. I don't want cards i will send back gifts i would like to be left alone on my own so i can have the perfect non christmas for me.

Identity.

If i died tomorrow who would remember me ?

How would i be remembered?

What have i achieved ?

Who am i ?

Have i actually done anything or have the last nearly 40 years been just a mass of wasted opportunities and bad choices ?

If i lost everything tomorrow what would i actually loose ?

These questions maybe horribly morbid but for some time now they have haunted me.I'm no longer sure what my life is, what i am supposed to do , what i'm here for. I'm drifting deeper into a hole. Sometimes i see myself and think i don't know you. This isn't me. I'm not who i was. I had plans. I had things to say, now i'm not so sure.

Anyone reading this will most probably tell me to get a grip. After all i have my kids, I'm in a relationship. I should be happy, content, but something is missing. In having these things i have lost a sense of myself..

Before i drown in my own self wallowing, I have a question.

HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE FEEL THIS WAY??

Yes there are those lucky ones out there that are happy and content with themselves and their lies. They have everything they want right now.They can sit and look about them and say " Yes i have everything i want and life is good."

What about the rest ? What about the people who catch a glance of themselves in a mirror and just for that split second wonder if that is it. The people who look at what they have and wonder " is this it?"
"Is this what my life is like ?"
"Is this what i chose?"
"Is this who i chose to be ?"
The people out there who don't know who they are inside.

Or is it just me ??