so right now i sit here looking rather Dickensian wrapped in a blanket in my arctic palace , a thoughtful smile and a mug of tea as i write this.
yes its damn chuffing cold right now but i have realized in these last couple of weeks that it's the small things that happen which make life special. moments like the welcome hug you get after four hours on a coach with a small fluffy nine yr old who suffers from travel sickness . it's the feeling that your home in another house with people that you have quickly grown the love and respect . it's watching your small fluffy son who is scared around dogs become best buddies with not one but two dogs over a weekend of walks and games . then seeing him sitting on the sofa with a dog on his lap and a smile on his face and the feeling of pride you get when you know that he has overcome a fear and you were there when he did .
then there are the unexpected phone calls from someone . Maybe they are a friend that just seems to know when you need them and they phone to see how you are . right now i can say that i am lucky enough to have friends like these that make me smile and that i thank my lucky stars i have them in my life.
i have to say that i'm not used to having such good friends around me . it's still a new thing for me to have people that i can trust with my thoughts. even so i am always mindful of maybe somehow disappointing them and loosing their respect and their trust. it is with this in mind that the next bit is written.
because there are also those times that you want to lock away from the world and keep inside yourself . those times when someone special calls out of the blue and makes you smile that little bit brighter. those moments when you see them and for a moment the world tilts a little until they hug you. then it's ok again. times when they call you to see what your doing and then the weekend that you had imagined being on your own changes. i have just had one of those weekends. from the surprise call, that first panic when you suddenly realize that you look like a bit of a train wreck and they are on their way . you can't locate your makeup , your underwear doesn't match and there is a hole in your sock. yes its stupid after all they have seen you first thing in the morning but you still want to look your best even after all this time and all the complications that have gone along.
and then they are there and you are on your way to spending the weekend at their home and the hole in your sock doesn't matter at all. then the weekend is just an album of snap shots . being curled up infront of a film wrapped around each other a smudge of melted chocolate down your jumper that he thinks is cute and rather funny. falling asleep with your head on their shoulder and only waking once they have stolen the whole of the duvet and parts of you are in danger of hyperthermia. shopping in the cold and walking hand in hand with them, with the hand that they are holding kept warm by not only their hand but in the pocket of their coat as well. sensing them watching you and glancing over to see them smile at you . it's those times when you really know that your lucky .
so dear readers it's those little things , those special times with friends and the people that count in your life that make you blessed. it's not money or grand gestures . it's the little things that make the big things special .
Sunday 28 November 2010
Friday 5 November 2010
it's been a while
dear readers it's been some time since my last blog .
so is this a blog or a confessional i wonder ? probably a bit of both . so what have i been doing ? how have i been feeling ? whatever happened to those blogging poetic pants?
the answer to that is rather a lot of things have happened some good some not so good , and im still trying to make sense of some of those things .it's strange i'm sitting here having decided that i would make tea and the kettle hasn't even gone on yet . i have been distracted by the sudden need to blog and be damned .
well first things first about a month ago i morphed from hermit pants to the traveling pants . not a big thing for most but for me this was huge . firstly i'm a terrible traveler i hate going anywhere i don't know, i have never traveled alone which is a sad thing for a thirty eight year old to admit to and if i were a cat i would probably have to be sedated to get me anywhere at all . But travel i did all the way to Derby to visit probably some of the nicest kindest most wonderful people ever put on this earth . I had never met them before we had talked on the phone and texted and tweeted in abundance but face to face , that was something that we hadn't done .
a four hour rather squashed coach trip later and with a numb backside , desperately needing a wee and feeling horribly nervous there i was at the coach station hoping that they would like me . From the first hug as soon as i met them i knew it would be alright. Karen and her lovely hubby Andy were so lovely , so friendly, so calming it seemed that this wasn't the first time at all it didnt feel like we had only just met and i felt immediately at home. so much so that after three hours of constant taking Andy even lent me his i pad so i could use twitter for the weekend . as soon as i had that and Karen had her's on silence fell only to be punctuated by Andy observing " oo it's gone quiet "
the rest of that weekend was probably the best weekend i had ever had . i felt so at phone at their house . i was spoilt rotten something that i'm not used to happening at all. even to the point of on sunday morning having toasted solders with my boiled eggs . at one point Karen said to me " you know your part of the family now your even talking to the dogs " and it was true i felt like i'd always been there and i really didnt want to come home .
it's weekends like that that make you realise the meaning of having true friends , the kind of friends that you wish were your family because they accept you when your family didn't. in two weeks i will be traveling up again to see them and this time i am bringing the fluffy one . i have a sneaking feeling that i wont be the one getting the royal treatment this time mind you. i have a feeling that this time it will be the turn of the fluffy one to experience the red carpet welcome .
after that i then went on and did another new thing for me and had a friend stay over at pants palace for the weekend . this was another new thing for me i'm usually so solitary but this made a lovely change. this time i got to cook and make someone feel welcome at my home . we spent the night chatting till the early hours and it was a really relaxing evening and next day . even when fluffy decided to make up a game that involved throwing a plastic ball across the frontroom and everytime you threw it you had to say the nine year old equivilant of a rude word . its actually quite liberating lobbing a ball at someone and yelling boobies at the top of your voice and then laughing like a school child.
but in every life a little rain must fall in my case it seems to be monsoon season as i have had to battle with various large government facilites this week and in the past month . now judge me on this if you want to but i am not someone who embraces change infact i am someone who runs screaming from it in fear of my life most of the time. have i always been this way ? yes yes i have and i will admit that freely to anyone who will listen . i am used to things being a certain way and no amount of reassurence that there are people to help you change is going to make me feel any differently. so to me being eased back into work filled me with insomnia-tic horror . yes that sounds bad saying that but walk a mile in my shoes and you may see why . just because i dont have a drug or drink problem and i can string a sentence together and i present myself a certain way does not mean that i am well enough for work . i have lain awake for months worrying about this . i dont have a bank account i dont own a c.v. i actually at one point trusted the job centre to help me and went to an appointment for them to be able to put one together for me . i never saw it again after the woman that i saw looked at what i had cobbled together frowned wrote all over it, made me fill out several forms and then promised to email the finished article . well two months on and nothing so that was the shred of hope that they actually meant what they said when they told me on several occasions that they were here to help . clearly they weren't at all . not only did they not do what they had promised they also misinformed me of my options and only chose to imform me on thursday of this week after they had to take me into a little sideroom as i had a minor melt down that i indeed did have options and none of those options would mean i would have to fill anything in at all.
so for the past few very draining days i have been battling a system that i neither understand nor do i trust while feeling like i want to cry and curl up into a corner , while having the reoccurring nightmare that i would not only loose my home but my son aswell . and all the while this was going on i still had to appear normal infront of a nine year old that needs me as a nondribbling parent .
i thought i was doing ok until i went to get what i like to refer to as being shrink wrapped and the first thing that my lady says to me is are you eating you look very thin. . tis to be fair was before i went a brought and ate my way threw a family sized coffee cake and four flakes and a tin of soup . even so it's not what you want to hear after a six week absence from shrink wrapping really.
anyway this week draws to a close disaster for the moment has been averted and battle will again begin next week. all i can say is thank god for people that care, they ones that took the time to check i was ok either by phone or via twitter without you i would be truly alone . strangely but not surprisingly non of these people has been related to me at all infact i have not spoken to my family in weeks that is another story for another day .
so that has been me fighting to keep afloat a bit of a swan. outwardly calm inwardly paddling upstream fighting a tide that threatens to overwhelm me . so far though i havent let it . truth be told i'm not sure how much fight i have left , i may even start looking down the cracks of the sofa because you never know what you may find there . until next time these pants are retreating battered but so far not broken .
so is this a blog or a confessional i wonder ? probably a bit of both . so what have i been doing ? how have i been feeling ? whatever happened to those blogging poetic pants?
the answer to that is rather a lot of things have happened some good some not so good , and im still trying to make sense of some of those things .it's strange i'm sitting here having decided that i would make tea and the kettle hasn't even gone on yet . i have been distracted by the sudden need to blog and be damned .
well first things first about a month ago i morphed from hermit pants to the traveling pants . not a big thing for most but for me this was huge . firstly i'm a terrible traveler i hate going anywhere i don't know, i have never traveled alone which is a sad thing for a thirty eight year old to admit to and if i were a cat i would probably have to be sedated to get me anywhere at all . But travel i did all the way to Derby to visit probably some of the nicest kindest most wonderful people ever put on this earth . I had never met them before we had talked on the phone and texted and tweeted in abundance but face to face , that was something that we hadn't done .
a four hour rather squashed coach trip later and with a numb backside , desperately needing a wee and feeling horribly nervous there i was at the coach station hoping that they would like me . From the first hug as soon as i met them i knew it would be alright. Karen and her lovely hubby Andy were so lovely , so friendly, so calming it seemed that this wasn't the first time at all it didnt feel like we had only just met and i felt immediately at home. so much so that after three hours of constant taking Andy even lent me his i pad so i could use twitter for the weekend . as soon as i had that and Karen had her's on silence fell only to be punctuated by Andy observing " oo it's gone quiet "
the rest of that weekend was probably the best weekend i had ever had . i felt so at phone at their house . i was spoilt rotten something that i'm not used to happening at all. even to the point of on sunday morning having toasted solders with my boiled eggs . at one point Karen said to me " you know your part of the family now your even talking to the dogs " and it was true i felt like i'd always been there and i really didnt want to come home .
it's weekends like that that make you realise the meaning of having true friends , the kind of friends that you wish were your family because they accept you when your family didn't. in two weeks i will be traveling up again to see them and this time i am bringing the fluffy one . i have a sneaking feeling that i wont be the one getting the royal treatment this time mind you. i have a feeling that this time it will be the turn of the fluffy one to experience the red carpet welcome .
after that i then went on and did another new thing for me and had a friend stay over at pants palace for the weekend . this was another new thing for me i'm usually so solitary but this made a lovely change. this time i got to cook and make someone feel welcome at my home . we spent the night chatting till the early hours and it was a really relaxing evening and next day . even when fluffy decided to make up a game that involved throwing a plastic ball across the frontroom and everytime you threw it you had to say the nine year old equivilant of a rude word . its actually quite liberating lobbing a ball at someone and yelling boobies at the top of your voice and then laughing like a school child.
but in every life a little rain must fall in my case it seems to be monsoon season as i have had to battle with various large government facilites this week and in the past month . now judge me on this if you want to but i am not someone who embraces change infact i am someone who runs screaming from it in fear of my life most of the time. have i always been this way ? yes yes i have and i will admit that freely to anyone who will listen . i am used to things being a certain way and no amount of reassurence that there are people to help you change is going to make me feel any differently. so to me being eased back into work filled me with insomnia-tic horror . yes that sounds bad saying that but walk a mile in my shoes and you may see why . just because i dont have a drug or drink problem and i can string a sentence together and i present myself a certain way does not mean that i am well enough for work . i have lain awake for months worrying about this . i dont have a bank account i dont own a c.v. i actually at one point trusted the job centre to help me and went to an appointment for them to be able to put one together for me . i never saw it again after the woman that i saw looked at what i had cobbled together frowned wrote all over it, made me fill out several forms and then promised to email the finished article . well two months on and nothing so that was the shred of hope that they actually meant what they said when they told me on several occasions that they were here to help . clearly they weren't at all . not only did they not do what they had promised they also misinformed me of my options and only chose to imform me on thursday of this week after they had to take me into a little sideroom as i had a minor melt down that i indeed did have options and none of those options would mean i would have to fill anything in at all.
so for the past few very draining days i have been battling a system that i neither understand nor do i trust while feeling like i want to cry and curl up into a corner , while having the reoccurring nightmare that i would not only loose my home but my son aswell . and all the while this was going on i still had to appear normal infront of a nine year old that needs me as a nondribbling parent .
i thought i was doing ok until i went to get what i like to refer to as being shrink wrapped and the first thing that my lady says to me is are you eating you look very thin. . tis to be fair was before i went a brought and ate my way threw a family sized coffee cake and four flakes and a tin of soup . even so it's not what you want to hear after a six week absence from shrink wrapping really.
anyway this week draws to a close disaster for the moment has been averted and battle will again begin next week. all i can say is thank god for people that care, they ones that took the time to check i was ok either by phone or via twitter without you i would be truly alone . strangely but not surprisingly non of these people has been related to me at all infact i have not spoken to my family in weeks that is another story for another day .
so that has been me fighting to keep afloat a bit of a swan. outwardly calm inwardly paddling upstream fighting a tide that threatens to overwhelm me . so far though i havent let it . truth be told i'm not sure how much fight i have left , i may even start looking down the cracks of the sofa because you never know what you may find there . until next time these pants are retreating battered but so far not broken .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)