the naming of the poo

as you will be aware at pants palace four cats reside. this means four different types of cat poo, four types of gut wrenching vomit producing smell. so in an effort to A, work out the culpret of said smell and B, to make the task of the grand scrap more amusing i named the individual poos.

!, the poots maneuver - made by the oldest and most diva like of the cats Putin.

2, the widgey squit - this is produced with the added vomit smell by the second cat widget.

3, the mondo teaser - looks like a malteaser  and given to us daily by the big furry gizmo.

4, the jinxster pasty - named this way because it rhymes with ginster but smells nothing like a pasty.


so yes we are a house of cat lovers and nicknamers and so even the poo's have their own identities .

enjoy your meals.

pants out.

things that fall apart when your ill

i have been ill for a week now. in and out of bed not being able to be comfortable anywhere for long periods of time, shivering or sweating aching popping painkillers like the world is about to end. i havent felt this ill in years.
so while i have been ill who do you think has looked after the house?
well for the first two days while i was in bed resident male spent the whole of the time watching 158 episodes of dragonball z in his dressing gown.
did he do any washing ?
Did he hoover at all?
did he tidy anything?
did he steam the kitchen floor?

did he fuck!!!!!

the carpets have more cat fur and bits of broken cat claw on them than it should be possible to have stuck to a carpet. the kitchen floor is a nasty minging mess. in fact by wednesday the fluffy one asked the teen to come over to cook his tea for him.

ok so admittedly he has washed some clothes now and hung most of them out. it is glaringly obvious that i am ill. we even ran out of cat food and loo roll at one point.
he did try to look up on the computer what i most likely had and managed to narrow it down to the following.

bone cancer
mrsa
norvo virus
meningitis
fibromyalgia
or maybe the flu

what little faith i have in him being able to do anything with out having the instructions spoon fed him first several times has now left.this is a human being for which the word initiative didnt just simpley pass him by. it ran screaming in the opposite direction .
i have a lot of things to do when im better i hope to god that is before we turn into an episode of horders,

pants out

so the world's going mental on thursady is it

apparently it's world mental health day on thursday.
should i as a person who suffers mental illness be pleased about this? maybe i should as this is the day that makes public the fact that people are suffering. it's a poor mans live aid for the dribbley.
yes i just went there, yes i did just say that and no i'm not about the apologize for it either.
to be honest what does having a day like that accomplish?
will it send the shiver of horror down the necks of those wonderful governmental departments that would like to put us all in the same box as the work shy ? nope shouldn't think so.
will it make anyone think about mental health and the effect it has on how people struggle to lead a normal and for filled life ?  i doubt because the only people who know about this day will be the ones and their families that suffer with this. it's not about to change the perspective of anyone else who thinks having a mental illness is just a bunch of slightly bad days clubbed together a bit like having the flu.
so what is the point of mental health awareness day?
and when exactly will it be national lets all fart in a crowded lift day?
or national pick your nose on a bus day.
they say a dog is for life not just for christmas well so is being stuck with as mental illness.
it's not just for one day and having a day publishing this isn't going to bloody help.
i will now sit back and wait for the arse kicking.
just remember it's an opinion on a blog.
my opinion my blog.
pants out.

me again and other lame introductions

i think this must be the longest i have been away from the virtual world. Strangely leaving was easy, well anything is if your getting a little disenchanted  with just about everything.
so you decide to have this great social experiment called life.
This involved alot of knit one, pearl one ,drop one, and no i don't mean farting. i moved the front-room round when i say moved round, what i mean is i stood in the middle of the room pointed, barked orders and eventually gave my approval.
I also had one of those days about a month ago. You know the sort of days when you go into the pet shop to buy cat litter and come out with cat litter and a kitten. She is called Jinx. so that would be cat number four then.
I will try to be more interesting in the future.
or more grumpy what ever comes first,

Is it wrong that i am nervous about going back on line to the world of the tweet????

give me a moment i may have left my spare pair of testicles down the side of the sofa with the spare cat fluff and a ten pence piece.

yes sir i crush candy

i think i may have given up on life.
there was a time in the dim and distant past when i had dreams , biggish dreams and plans and things i wanted to do. i was going to write something wonderful and have it published. i was going to blog all the time and spread the word of pants.
the only thing i spread now is my ever widening bum on a corner of the sofa.
it's drepressing when you have depression isn't it.
when going out to the local corner shop to top up the meter becomes a battle of wills, between the need for light and the need to stay where you know is safe.
so right now while people are suggesting places where i should be going and enjoying myself, you know the well meaning " oh you should go out for a meal,"
god no i don't want strangers watching me eat.
or the even better, " why don't we go shopping to one of the biggest shopping centers in creation and you can help me choose a dress "
firstly sounds expensive secondly sounds crowded thirdly i know i will probably not sleep for the two nights before hand worrying as it is some where new.
i am begining to wonder if i am slightly agrophobic.
but in the mean time there is candy crush and games of that nature. so i sit and crush candy sometimes very unsuccessfully but it helps block out the real world for a while. it means i dont have to listen to endless talking about things i have no interest in. its a great way to put off well anything really.
so if you ask me what i do at the moment my answer will be

yes sir i crush candy

fluffisms

what is a fluffism ?
the answer to that is anything that come are out of the fluffy ones mouth.
here are some of my favorite ones.

Have you ever been to the awful tower ?

In my class some of my friends were doing the fandango. That's the forbidden dance isn't it.

In R.E we have been learning about the prophet Mo ham head and his five pillows of islam.

I don't understand this algebra why have letters in maths ? maths is about numbers not letters.

The who were really good but they are really old and wrinkley like raisins.

Mum mum quick come and look i have a pubic hair I'm going to call him Gerald.

My friend is called jazmeet he's a vegetarian so i call him jaz veggy.

it's very difficult not to laugh when he is so politically incorrect sometimes because he is also daft as a brush.
and as he says
"It's all part of my fluffyness."

weekus fucking awfulus

yes that was my limited attempt at latin. seeing as the queen had a horrible anus ( it's a play on words i'm sure her behind is genuinely wonderful for one so senior ) i thought that i would just have a very shitty week.
enough of the insomniac filled explaination of a title and on the the main event.

a week and a half ago the fluffy one was sent to the hospital by our local gp. he had spent the weekend vomiting like the exorcist and had a painful stomach, so after some prodding from the doctor, tears from fluffy and a bit of there there never mind from me we were referred to the hospital. the doc thought it was a possible appendix and had spoken to the surgical people so off we went. luckily i live quite close to the hospital so after a quick pit stop to pick up teddy and some books we , fluffy , adulf and i went on our ,merry way.

we were seen fairly quickly which is a good thing as adulf gets a little on the parent from hell side when he is kept waiting.. blood was taken, pain killers were given and fluffy was very brave about the whole thing. when the surgical team came down, he was able without much prompting to tell them what hurt and how long it had hurt for. i was impressed for a small fluffy eleven year old he was very descriptive about the whole thing. they thought it was probably an appendix and so admitted him for further observation.

it was now way past lunch time, no one had eaten ( good thing for fluffy not so good for me ) when we got to the childrens ward. one thing i have to say about the whole experience all the staff that we saw were really really friendly and spent the time talking to el fluffo about everything. being dyslexic the fluffy one has a lot of problems retaining information so the same question gets asked over and over again. usually at home it's a case of groan bang head repeatedly against wall and in extreme cases hide in the toilet until he has forgotten what he was going to ask. not this time, this time repeated questions were encouraged so fluffy talked to everyone. when i say everyone i mean absolutely everyone from the cleaning staff upwards.
he seemed quite bright and then suddenly the pain medication stopped working, he said he could feel his side throbbing. a nurse was called and in turn she beeped the surgeon who came down and had another look.suddenly fluffy was put into a gown and at eight o'clock on monday the 17th of june he had his appendix removed.

i stayed with him that night on a camp bed thingy. at one in the morning he tried to get out of bed complained loudly about the blood pressure sleeve on his arm refused to pee in a bottle and then went back to sleep again. to this day he can't remember that. adulf turned up at ten the next morning to take over and i went home.

i came home to find an over flowing bin a poo filled cat tray dirty washing up and the resident male in bed. i cleaned the tray , washed up, stripped fluffy's bed and put the bedding in the wash and had a shower. having decided that there was no way adulf would cope with the camp bed , my daughter stayed the next night with him. he came home on the wednesday evening and has been slowly recovering since.

it's not easy having a child that loves sport and cant go near anything vaugely sporty for at least a month and who is getting stir crazy and very very annoying but i manage. the main thing is he is ok now well as ok as you can be when your small blonde and a bit fluffy round the edges.

ode to wapspar

on tuesday evening while parked on the sofa i had a phone call. My daughter rang to tell me that the mother ships oldest cat had passed away. He was a black and white cat called Jasper and had lived to the grand old age of 21. For those without a calculator that works out to around the hundered mark in human years.

Without any hesitation i called a cab and went straight over there. Jasper was one of a kind. He would climb onto your left shoulder and snuggle into your neck, dribbling into your neck and refuse to move. She had rescued him nearly twelve years ago and for the first six months he didn't purr. But with love and a stable home he soon flourished.

Everyone loved Jasper or wapspar as he came to be known. He didnt care if you liked cats or not if you sat still long enough that lap was his. if any visitors had come by car he would follow them and try to get into the car.

I'm glad i got to say goodbye. He was a beautiful creature, gentle , loving , a bit dribbly.
I'll miss him.

shit happens it's just not that interesting

so been a while . the world keeps turning and i'm still here  .

You know that moment when you have nothing beyond what your having for dinner to say ? well that has been me. when it gets to the point when even a fart joke isnt funny anymore it's time to take a back seat and that is what i have been doing. That and discovering my inner knitting nanna. Yes you heard correctly i have been sitting clicking needles with great abandon and creating blankets, five in total so far if you count the one i am doing now.

and then there are the usual cats shedding hair like the world is about to end. every so often a little  bundle of dusttridden cat fur float past like those texas tumbleweeds.

and there is always fluffy who is more mouthy less fluffy now he is in high school. his room has been moved round three times already in an effort to keep it tidy. so far nothing has worked and it still smells like arse and feet.

so in conclusion i'm fine its just the rest of them but then we always knew that . when i say fine i mean boring covered in wool and cat hair and with not much to say, this may change.