spare me your guilt
and your broken words
that hang on the wall
around your heart
spare me the pity
that shows in your eyes
as i quietly fall apart
take back the plans
those warm summer days
when we walked
and laughed and larked
all the times
when the love would shine
in your eyes
the same love
that now tears me apart
spare me the sorry
of the last sad goodbye
let this hurt
leave it's own mark
but spare me a thought
in those quiet lonely times
when you lie
all alone in the dark
Wednesday 29 December 2010
Tuesday 28 December 2010
why is the question so whats the answer
for the past couple of nights my head has been filled with thoughts all rummaging about trying to find a way to the surface . none of them made much sense , they still don't not really . maybe this is all to do with the ending of another year , another chapter if you will . maybe i just feel the need to explain myself more maybe it's neither of those things i don't know .
what i do know is that my life is moving on and im not sure which way it will go or if i will lead this change willingly or not . some times it seems that my life is like a loose flap of carpet . you roll a desk chair over it it moves , you catch a glimpse of the floor boards and then you spend all your time trying to stamp it back into place again but it never sticks right and then every so often it moves little by little .
so here it is a new year fast approaching . what do i change? what plans do i make? what lists do i draw up? what hopes do i have ?
what does anyone hope for ? love ? happines ? health ? success ?
i'm not sure about me and what my hopes are . they may become clear . i may suddenly wake up , jump from my bed and have a plan . right now i'm not sure . i caught sight of myself in the mirror on the medicine cabinet in the downstairs loo earlier. i'm still haunted by my own eyes as they looked back at me , lost and sad as if all hope had been sucked away and i was left with emptiness . maybe something inside me broke and it's waiting to be fixed again .
life is full of maybe's isn't it . people say that anything is possible but what does anything look like ? what does it feel like ? and what happens if anything lets you down and becomes nothing ? strange food for thought you change one word and the whole outlook changes with it . that means that if nothing is possible then all you are left with are snap shots of your life and your memories .
food for thought in deed . that would leave me in the middle of an unfinished love story still hoping for a happy ending and surrounded by my memories of the times that i smiled and laughed and felt something other than blank .
well if this particular blog had taught me anything it had taught me never to blog when i have my pondering pants on . too many questions and not enough answers and no magic wand .
what i do know is that my life is moving on and im not sure which way it will go or if i will lead this change willingly or not . some times it seems that my life is like a loose flap of carpet . you roll a desk chair over it it moves , you catch a glimpse of the floor boards and then you spend all your time trying to stamp it back into place again but it never sticks right and then every so often it moves little by little .
so here it is a new year fast approaching . what do i change? what plans do i make? what lists do i draw up? what hopes do i have ?
what does anyone hope for ? love ? happines ? health ? success ?
i'm not sure about me and what my hopes are . they may become clear . i may suddenly wake up , jump from my bed and have a plan . right now i'm not sure . i caught sight of myself in the mirror on the medicine cabinet in the downstairs loo earlier. i'm still haunted by my own eyes as they looked back at me , lost and sad as if all hope had been sucked away and i was left with emptiness . maybe something inside me broke and it's waiting to be fixed again .
life is full of maybe's isn't it . people say that anything is possible but what does anything look like ? what does it feel like ? and what happens if anything lets you down and becomes nothing ? strange food for thought you change one word and the whole outlook changes with it . that means that if nothing is possible then all you are left with are snap shots of your life and your memories .
food for thought in deed . that would leave me in the middle of an unfinished love story still hoping for a happy ending and surrounded by my memories of the times that i smiled and laughed and felt something other than blank .
well if this particular blog had taught me anything it had taught me never to blog when i have my pondering pants on . too many questions and not enough answers and no magic wand .
i came i thought i blogged
drunk poem
let me capture this dream
just for a moment
just so i can believe it
let me hold this memory
just a little while longer
just so i can smile a while
let me have these feelings
so they warm my soul
don't take them from me
not just yet
i still need the hope
to breath a little longer
without you
let me capture this dream
just for a moment
just so i can believe it
let me hold this memory
just a little while longer
just so i can smile a while
let me have these feelings
so they warm my soul
don't take them from me
not just yet
i still need the hope
to breath a little longer
without you
Monday 20 December 2010
maybe a poem maybe not
we kissed
we touched
we laughed
i cried
we came together
we fell apart
i broke
you built a wall
i couldn't climb
i hoped
i waited
i stayed
you moved on
now i'm left with memories
we touched
we laughed
i cried
we came together
we fell apart
i broke
you built a wall
i couldn't climb
i hoped
i waited
i stayed
you moved on
now i'm left with memories
Friday 17 December 2010
a phobia less traveled
well here we are again on another day in another time and it's still cold. you find me telly on and not dressed unless you count a pair of thermal winnie the pooh pj's zebra print bed socks and a big dressing gown .yes i am a vision of attractive loveliness right now but this has been playing on my mind. i really wanted to write something to try and explain my fear of heights . i've had this fear since childhood but it's something that limits me in a lot of ways. if you Google fear of heights you get a big Latin name beginning with the letter a and an explanation . the only problem with this is that the explanation suggests that its a fear of being somewhere high up and looking down . well trust me to be different i guess. yes i dont enjoy standing anywhere high and looking down or around me unless i have something to hold on to that grounds me but that isnt a fear that stops me doing much. this is something different. it is a fear of high ceilings and open spaces.
over the years it has stopped me doing so much that i would want to. from things like visiting art galleries and museums to changing a light bulb and being able to go up into my loft. i can't climb up a ladder or even stand on a chair without having to really concentrate on not freaking out and freezing and having to get rescued. if i ever did go anywhere that had a ceiling that was what i thought of as high i would need someone with me to hold on to, they couldn't walk too fast or i would think i was being pulled and i would panic. putting it bluntly at my worst i look like i've been let out of an institution for the day i shuffle as if i'm wearing slippers i look only at my feet ( not a good thing when your walking around a museum and all you see is your feet ) and i hold onto whom ever i have with me for dear life.
this week however i have challenged myself . i decided that i wanted to go and see someone who is very special to me. i hadn't sen them for a while and you get to the point sometimes when you have this selfish feeling that they are who you need to be around. when you can talk to them on the phone and hear that they are having a hard time and you want to be there for them. so many times in the past i have wanted to be there and haven't been able to because of this fear of traveling this fear of the unknown .
years ago i did attempt to get on a train well actually a couple of trains and go down and see him. i got as far as Victoria station thought i was doing really well until i went from the underground station to the over ground one. well just thinking about it makes my stomach drop. the ceiling in that building is huge to say the least. i think i got about ten or so steps into the station before is froze and was blanketed in panic , my hearty was racing and i was in danger of just not being able to move. i had to dig my finger nails into the palm of my hand look at the floor and walk out backwards because i didnt dare turn round, not sure i was popular with the rest of the travelers that day but i just needed to get out of there. i ended up having to make a paniced phone call and luckily he came to rescue me . took him an hour to get there but he came.
i didnt want that to happen years later with this time. this was something i wanted to do for him because i knew i needed to see him and spend some time, but more importantly for me so i knew i could do it and prove something to myself.
so wednesday after a had Googled the route and packed a bag i left my house. i had tried not to think about the route too much or the journey because i didnt want to panic about things that may not happen. you could say i was very focused. now the underground part of the journey was fine i had done this before and knew exactly where i was going. then i got to london bridge station and it got interesting. not only did i not know exactly where i was going and so didnt know the height of the ceilings or the layout very well ( problem number one ) it has escelaters not just little ones where you take a breath find your footing and then your fine but the sort that go into the bowels of hell . these are the ones where you can't see the top of them you know you have to get on but then so do the other million of people pushing and tutting their way through the station.
so deep breath was taken as i and the rest of the british public headed for this thing. i didnt have time to take a breath before i got shuffled on by the weight of the people behind me. i held on and watched my feet trying to remember to breath and going hot and cold. then number two slightly more shaky breathing heavier and trying now not to pass out or cry and wet myself in fear. but i made it . it was at this point i had no idea where i had to go to next i needed to get a ticket for the last leg of the journey i had no idea where the over land trains went from or where the ticket place was. so i went and asked in a rather shaky voice one of the station staff who was very nice as this small shaking slightly tearful person began asking advice. he only looked at me like i was a little mad when i asked him how high the ceiling was in the other part of the station. so assured that it wouldnt be as high as Victoria i slowly made my way to escellater number three.
the ceiling was getting bigger by the mile and then there was this thing . i couldnt see the top of it at all there was nothing to hold on to to take a breath and right now i was in danger of freezing up altogether. i knew i had to find a way out and soon as other people pushed past me annoyed that i was stood in the middle of nowhere looking like a complete plank .
thank god i managed to get myself away from there and find my way to the outside of that station . by this time i was shaking like a leaf, so much so that it took a while for me to be able to light and smoke a ciggarette. then i had to take a deep breath and go back in again . i had to do this. thank god i was able to text a friend and talk to her . it was one of those failure is not an option moments. i knew no one was about to rescue me and well frankly i had to grow a pair and get on with it. so back i went to the escelater from hell . deep breaths and i was one holding onto the side for dear life and trying not to see how high the ceiling was. ok it wasn't as bad as it could have been but there was nothing to hold on to when i got off at the top. twelve deep breaths and six shuffling steps i find a pole by the end of the escelaters and grab on to that for dear life as i slowly turn round and carefully look about me. this is where i started talking to myself. infront of me there were a line of shops that means lower ceilings and twenty steps separated me from them. only twenty steps but at this point i wasn't sure i was going to be able to move at all. i was in danger of freezing completely right by the escelaters, but no it was one of those three two one countdown situations and then i put one foot infront of the other breathed deeply , well probably sounded by this time like i was about to give birth but hell i was moving.
i was also watching the floor going in a dead straight line and muttering to myself . so getting to the shops i then saw where the ticket office was and slowly made my way there after first glancing to see where the actual train platforms were to. so ticket got platform number now discovered i have to turn and go back over the high ceiling part to get to the trains. i have also been told i have five minutes ( no presssure then ) before the next train goes. so i cant see the platform . i ask . im told its up some nasty looking stairs right at the end of the platform in front of me. im not going to faint i want to i really want to , i'm not shaking like a leaf im in danger of falling over im so damn shaky i want to cry i wont but i bloody want to. and now i have to climb stairs. more muttering , more heavy breathing and for an extra push the finger nails have been dug into each palm as far as they can go. that way i get to think about the pain in my hand and not the fact that i was to curl up and rock in a corner. three flights of stirs two up one down and then im on the platform. the train is there quick check to make sure its the right one and i get on. find a seat sit down and breath.
i had done it. i was sweating like you wouldnt believe i was shaking like a leaf i looked quite frankly like i was on the run from something but and big but i had done it. i didnt cry i didnt freeze up and i didnt loose it .
for anyone with a phobia that is major . for someone who untill five or so years ago couldnt stand on a chair to change a light bulb or who doesnt knew what the inside of her loft looks like because she cant get on a ladder. for someone who never climbed a tree or a climbing frame as a child because of this fear its a huge thing to have done. thats why i wanted to share it.
so when i say i dont do high ceilings i really don't i struggle with it daily but hell if i have to i am guessing i can . the trick now is to keep doing it .
so until next time dear readers these pants have left the building.
over the years it has stopped me doing so much that i would want to. from things like visiting art galleries and museums to changing a light bulb and being able to go up into my loft. i can't climb up a ladder or even stand on a chair without having to really concentrate on not freaking out and freezing and having to get rescued. if i ever did go anywhere that had a ceiling that was what i thought of as high i would need someone with me to hold on to, they couldn't walk too fast or i would think i was being pulled and i would panic. putting it bluntly at my worst i look like i've been let out of an institution for the day i shuffle as if i'm wearing slippers i look only at my feet ( not a good thing when your walking around a museum and all you see is your feet ) and i hold onto whom ever i have with me for dear life.
this week however i have challenged myself . i decided that i wanted to go and see someone who is very special to me. i hadn't sen them for a while and you get to the point sometimes when you have this selfish feeling that they are who you need to be around. when you can talk to them on the phone and hear that they are having a hard time and you want to be there for them. so many times in the past i have wanted to be there and haven't been able to because of this fear of traveling this fear of the unknown .
years ago i did attempt to get on a train well actually a couple of trains and go down and see him. i got as far as Victoria station thought i was doing really well until i went from the underground station to the over ground one. well just thinking about it makes my stomach drop. the ceiling in that building is huge to say the least. i think i got about ten or so steps into the station before is froze and was blanketed in panic , my hearty was racing and i was in danger of just not being able to move. i had to dig my finger nails into the palm of my hand look at the floor and walk out backwards because i didnt dare turn round, not sure i was popular with the rest of the travelers that day but i just needed to get out of there. i ended up having to make a paniced phone call and luckily he came to rescue me . took him an hour to get there but he came.
i didnt want that to happen years later with this time. this was something i wanted to do for him because i knew i needed to see him and spend some time, but more importantly for me so i knew i could do it and prove something to myself.
so wednesday after a had Googled the route and packed a bag i left my house. i had tried not to think about the route too much or the journey because i didnt want to panic about things that may not happen. you could say i was very focused. now the underground part of the journey was fine i had done this before and knew exactly where i was going. then i got to london bridge station and it got interesting. not only did i not know exactly where i was going and so didnt know the height of the ceilings or the layout very well ( problem number one ) it has escelaters not just little ones where you take a breath find your footing and then your fine but the sort that go into the bowels of hell . these are the ones where you can't see the top of them you know you have to get on but then so do the other million of people pushing and tutting their way through the station.
so deep breath was taken as i and the rest of the british public headed for this thing. i didnt have time to take a breath before i got shuffled on by the weight of the people behind me. i held on and watched my feet trying to remember to breath and going hot and cold. then number two slightly more shaky breathing heavier and trying now not to pass out or cry and wet myself in fear. but i made it . it was at this point i had no idea where i had to go to next i needed to get a ticket for the last leg of the journey i had no idea where the over land trains went from or where the ticket place was. so i went and asked in a rather shaky voice one of the station staff who was very nice as this small shaking slightly tearful person began asking advice. he only looked at me like i was a little mad when i asked him how high the ceiling was in the other part of the station. so assured that it wouldnt be as high as Victoria i slowly made my way to escellater number three.
the ceiling was getting bigger by the mile and then there was this thing . i couldnt see the top of it at all there was nothing to hold on to to take a breath and right now i was in danger of freezing up altogether. i knew i had to find a way out and soon as other people pushed past me annoyed that i was stood in the middle of nowhere looking like a complete plank .
thank god i managed to get myself away from there and find my way to the outside of that station . by this time i was shaking like a leaf, so much so that it took a while for me to be able to light and smoke a ciggarette. then i had to take a deep breath and go back in again . i had to do this. thank god i was able to text a friend and talk to her . it was one of those failure is not an option moments. i knew no one was about to rescue me and well frankly i had to grow a pair and get on with it. so back i went to the escelater from hell . deep breaths and i was one holding onto the side for dear life and trying not to see how high the ceiling was. ok it wasn't as bad as it could have been but there was nothing to hold on to when i got off at the top. twelve deep breaths and six shuffling steps i find a pole by the end of the escelaters and grab on to that for dear life as i slowly turn round and carefully look about me. this is where i started talking to myself. infront of me there were a line of shops that means lower ceilings and twenty steps separated me from them. only twenty steps but at this point i wasn't sure i was going to be able to move at all. i was in danger of freezing completely right by the escelaters, but no it was one of those three two one countdown situations and then i put one foot infront of the other breathed deeply , well probably sounded by this time like i was about to give birth but hell i was moving.
i was also watching the floor going in a dead straight line and muttering to myself . so getting to the shops i then saw where the ticket office was and slowly made my way there after first glancing to see where the actual train platforms were to. so ticket got platform number now discovered i have to turn and go back over the high ceiling part to get to the trains. i have also been told i have five minutes ( no presssure then ) before the next train goes. so i cant see the platform . i ask . im told its up some nasty looking stairs right at the end of the platform in front of me. im not going to faint i want to i really want to , i'm not shaking like a leaf im in danger of falling over im so damn shaky i want to cry i wont but i bloody want to. and now i have to climb stairs. more muttering , more heavy breathing and for an extra push the finger nails have been dug into each palm as far as they can go. that way i get to think about the pain in my hand and not the fact that i was to curl up and rock in a corner. three flights of stirs two up one down and then im on the platform. the train is there quick check to make sure its the right one and i get on. find a seat sit down and breath.
i had done it. i was sweating like you wouldnt believe i was shaking like a leaf i looked quite frankly like i was on the run from something but and big but i had done it. i didnt cry i didnt freeze up and i didnt loose it .
for anyone with a phobia that is major . for someone who untill five or so years ago couldnt stand on a chair to change a light bulb or who doesnt knew what the inside of her loft looks like because she cant get on a ladder. for someone who never climbed a tree or a climbing frame as a child because of this fear its a huge thing to have done. thats why i wanted to share it.
so when i say i dont do high ceilings i really don't i struggle with it daily but hell if i have to i am guessing i can . the trick now is to keep doing it .
so until next time dear readers these pants have left the building.
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