its tuesday i think it may be snowing and heres the blog

last night i wrote my obituary . today it took me half an hour to find the dictionary to spell the damn word . the dictionary was lodged under a pile of notebooks undone things bills three cd's and two place matts all balanced on the corner of my desk on top of the printer that only works when it wants to.
when i say i wrote it well i constructed it in my head how i wanted it to sound, how i would like people to remember me. biggest thing that came out of it is that the avi picture you see isnt me anymore. no i havent grown another head or anything too drastic it's just not me not now. i suppose people remember what they want to and forget the bits they dont. you cant tell people what to think or how to feel or what to remember they just will do whatever they want to. id rather be forgotten, just slide me under the radar and leave me there.
anywho my toes are numb i am wearing the big shoes with the holes in them as opposed to the boots that flat and have holes in them and bedsocks and i have to go and get a small child soon and shop . i dont want to i want to go back to bed and disappear but i wont. normal face on for the masses and off we go. it may snow i may get run over by a bus . my underwear is awful saggy and doesnt match i dont care.
someone remind me i need to get milk and fill the gas meter before the whole of pants palace dies of the cold.

humans bloody humans

today had been filled with rude sighing smelly people in post office ques and idiots who think the world revolves around them.
When your not exactly feeling on top of the world you don't need any of that. you don't want to have to leave your house with unwashed hair and a beany hat stuck on your head looking like a tramp high on steroids, to do a school run you shouldnt have to do. You dont want to be stuck in the worlds longest rudest smelliest post office Que where everyone has three sacks of parcels to send recorded delivery and you are on a time limit. You don't want to be stood in that Que with a rising tide of stress making its appearance and some bloody woman on your left hand side sucking their teeth and attempting to push in front of you. when you do look at them they glare at you square their shoulders and suck their teeth even louder right into your inner ear drum. right then and there you realize that if they do Que jump you will just leave the shop and probably cry all the way to the bus stop. one more thing to be anxious about. Luckily said woman didnt jump in front of you and you exit the shop/post office relatively unscathed.
Then you get to the school by this time you need a wee the last coffee that you drank before exiting the safety of your home has made its way to your bladder and is now tap dancing across it.your feet are numb even though you have on bed socks and not actual socks and you have to wait for a small person because their father who is also at the school but in a meeting with several teachers wont get him for what ever reason. small child comes out knows his father is at the school and decides to wait at the office for him. you on the other hand sit outside on a wall getting piles and really cold and annoyed. you could go and wait in the warm most people would but you dont want to talk to anyone answer any bloody questions or get any funny looks from the teachers. so you sit outside and get funny looks from the other parents and the caretaker instead. you sit there for forty five minutes and just as your beginning to feel a bit like a child sex offender the small one and its father appear. child takes one look at you and decides that he will go home with his dad today. you go home on the bus . when i say on the bus its not one but two buses. by the time you get home you dont ever want to talk to anyone or be nice to anyone again you want to eat a shed load of food and die on the sofa.

the moral of this story is that there isnt a moral. morals actually died a death years ago when people stopped thinking about others and came to the way of thinking that the world revolves around them. people need to think a bit sometimes we are standing on the same bloody planet. what we are not doing is balancing on a planet that is at this moment in time revolving around someones head although today is feels like some people think that the world revolves around them.. they will learn and the ones that dont will grow up very disliked by others .

not being well but looking normal

yesterday was not a good day . yesterday all i seemed to do was shake shout and want to cry . but trying to appear normal i still cooked washed clothes and cleaned a bathroom as you normal people do .
on the outside i was just having one of those days. on the inside i was pulling chunks of my hair out screaming and running around in circles like a hamster on a wheel getting nowhere wanting to run away. funny how you can do all of that in your mind while sitting totally still isnt it.
today isnt much better. without realizing i have managed to pluck half an eyebrow bald, tried to make tea in the bowl i put the dead teabags into and made porridge that looked like well it wasn't porridge put it this way. i just about managed to keep the urge to cut chunks out of my hair to a bare minimum but i pulled a few bits out so now my air looks like frizzy crap instead of just plain crap.
remembering the phone bill was due to be paid i checked the bill, misread two yes two calenders and then paniced as i thought i hadnt paid it in over a month. it's due tomorrow and im still shaking over that one. i have also scratched a scab over my eye my rubbing my skin off.
i feel like my head is about to explode. it wont but it feels like it will. i dont feel safe. i dont feel in control any more i cant remember even how to pay things when they are due simple stuff like that. i keep thinking that people are going to come and take everything away. so in my mind i am planning ahead where i can hide things so they dont take them away.
there is an upside to this mind you. nothing has grown a head yet nothing has started moving. last time furniture grew heads and the floor started moving and changing colour on its own. so it's not that bad yet.
the clock is ticking. i just wonder how long it will be before i snap completely and if anyone will notice when i do.

on a lighter note stupid poetry a la pants

some days will kick you up the bum
all you can do is ho and hum
and swear a bit
or kick a door
and wonder what this life is for

you've burnt the toast
and blocked the loo
the world has got it in for you

the funny bone just isn't fun
you've tripped and landed on your bum
you want to cry
and scream and swear
no clothes that fit
nothing to wear

so take a breath
maybe one more
and think of things worth fighting for

have a tea
sing out of tune
who cares it's just you in the room
you'll look a tit
feel out of place
hey welcome to the human race

we're all like that
don't feel a pratt
some days just suck
don't give a fuck
there is always tomorrow

what a difference twelve or so hours makes

i was planning on being really creative today . i was honest i was , i had creatively blogged this morning and creatively skipped upstairs and creatively made a bed cleaned ones creative teeth and did some creative hurling of dirty washing at the machine.

Then it happened THE CURSE OF THE BROWN D.W.P. ENVELOPE.

Bastard horrible bloody thing. i don't normally swear in a blog but for this one i am making a big fuck off exception. I had been expecting this since about last November. From November to December every time anything came through the postbox and landed on the welcome mat i did the tourette's twitch thing and on many occasion almost put my neck out. But they had done a sneaky thing and lulled me into a false sense of security until today.
Today i get the envelope that heralds the end of life as i know it. The end of any sense of safety . My appeal tribunal date . Even as i type this my stomach is turning and i want to cry . I won't it's just a blog. It's not as if i'm about to be made homeless well not yet anyway i have a month till this thing. I have a month the work out where the hell they want me to go , how the hell i get there if there are any high ceilings, how likely i am to get lost miss my time and then be stranded while a bunch of no mark bastard strangers decide my fate have a laugh a cup of tea talk about the soaps as i crumble at the road side.
Am i feeling sorry for myself ? nope i am a realist and realistically i have no idea how i am going to get there what i am going to say or if they will even believe me . I have no support no backup from anyone so i am pretty much screwed . If leaves you wondering sometimes if it is all really worth this. On the outside i look fine bit tired round the edges needs a hair cut could loose a few hundred pounds, but if you can string a sentence together then obviously your fine. If you don't seem to need anyone to fight your corner then your obviously cured. erm no , but i guess if im not dangling off the top floor of tesco's car park then all is not quite lost.
I'm going to publish this wait for the backlash from the truly ill which will probably begin in Ernest . Poor Ernest things always begin in him . And i'm going to go and have a fag.

I will be fine .
This coming from the person who on her head stone will have in-scripted " Was always fine till she wasn't . Then she was fucked."

Sorry will now stop rambling and bugger off .
It's been a shit day .
and thus the pants have spoken.

today i am

Today i am a leather clad rock star standing center stage among the flashing strobe lights.

Today i am a super hero invisible , a fighter.

Today i am a dancer carried away by wave upon wave of sound, moving effortlessly where the music takes her.

Today i stand alone on a cliff top looking down at the sea below me, the wind blowing in my face, my hands in my pockets.

Today in my mind i can be anything i want to be. That's the beauty of imagination it takes you to places that you wouldn't normally go to. It changes you into someone that you couldn't ordinarily be. It allows you to have relationships with people that only you know and to feel things that only you could understand. It takes you away for just a few moments to another life .

Who will you be today ?

stolen moments.

We all have these hidden away in the very farthest corners of our memory. Those times that we can't forget, those passing moments that once warmed our soul, gone but never forgotten times.
What are these moments ?
 The kiss that stopped time just for those few seconds, when the world faded away and it was just the two of you.
A smile that lights up a face, a laugh that fills your soul with warmth.That first touch that takes your breath away and leaves you shaken. The memory of how two hands would fit together, fingers entwined . Those walks you would take together, sometimes silent, sometimes talking of things that now no longer matter. The way you would stop and watch the view and hold each other . How your head would fit in the hollow on their chest and you would lie there listening to their heart as you went to sleep.

They used to be who you were, but now you keep them locked away in your mind. You know they are there a constant reminder of what once was. That once you didn't think you could live without these things, these people who caused so many emotions. Because with these memories comes the forgotten feelings, the love, the sorrow, the heart break, that feeling of loss.

Put them back into that box, shut the lid, take a breath. There was a time when you couldn't breath without them but now somehow you do. You draw a breath, you carry on but you never forget.