why is the question so whats the answer

for the past couple of  nights my head has been filled with thoughts all rummaging about trying to find a way to the surface . none of them made much sense , they still don't not really . maybe this is all to do with the ending of another year , another chapter if you will . maybe i just feel the need to explain myself more maybe it's neither of those things i don't know .
what i do know is that my life is moving on and im not sure which way it will go or if i will lead this change willingly or not . some times it seems that my life is like a loose flap of carpet . you roll a desk chair over it it moves , you catch a glimpse of the floor boards and then you spend all your time trying to stamp it back into place again but it never sticks right and then every so often it moves little by little .
so here it is a new year fast approaching . what do i change? what plans do i make? what lists do i draw up? what hopes do i have ?
what does anyone hope for ? love ? happines ? health ? success ?
i'm not sure about me and what my hopes are . they may become clear . i may suddenly wake up , jump from my bed and have a plan . right now i'm not sure . i caught sight of myself in the mirror on the medicine cabinet in the downstairs loo earlier. i'm still haunted by my own eyes as they looked back at me , lost and sad as if all hope had been sucked away and i was left with emptiness . maybe something inside me broke and it's waiting to be fixed again .
life is full of maybe's isn't it . people say that anything is possible but what does anything look like ? what does it feel like ? and what happens if anything lets you down and becomes nothing ? strange food for thought you change one word and the whole outlook changes with it . that means that if nothing is possible then all you are left with are snap shots of your life and your memories .
food for thought in deed . that would leave me in the middle of an unfinished love story still hoping for a happy ending and surrounded by my memories of the times that i smiled and laughed and felt something other than blank .

well if this particular blog had taught me anything it had taught me never to blog when i have my pondering pants on . too many questions and not enough answers and no magic wand .

i came i thought i blogged

drunk poem

let me capture this dream
just for a moment
just so i can believe it
let me hold this memory
just a little while longer
just so i can smile a while

let me have these feelings
so they warm my soul
don't take them from me
not just yet
i still need the hope
to breath a little longer
without you

maybe a poem maybe not

we kissed
we touched
we laughed
i cried
we came together
we fell apart
i broke

you built a wall
i couldn't climb
i hoped
i waited
i stayed
you moved on
now i'm left with memories

a phobia less traveled

well here we are again on another day in another time and it's still cold. you find me telly on and not dressed unless you count a pair of thermal winnie the pooh pj's zebra print bed socks and a big dressing gown .yes i am a vision of attractive loveliness right now but this has been playing on my mind. i really wanted to write something to try and explain my fear of heights . i've had this fear since childhood but it's something that limits me in a lot of ways. if you Google fear of heights you get a big Latin name beginning with the letter a and an explanation . the only problem with this is that the explanation suggests that its a fear of being somewhere high up and looking down . well trust me to be different i guess. yes i dont enjoy standing anywhere high and looking down or around me unless i have something to hold on to that grounds me but that isnt a fear that stops me doing much. this is something different. it is a fear of high ceilings and open spaces.
over the years it has stopped me doing so much that i would want to. from things like visiting art galleries and museums to changing a light bulb and being able to go up into my loft. i can't climb up a ladder or even stand on a chair without having to really concentrate on not freaking out and freezing and having to get rescued. if i ever did go anywhere that had a ceiling that was what i thought of as high i would need someone with me to hold on to, they couldn't walk too fast or i would think i was being pulled and i would panic. putting it bluntly at my worst i look like i've been let out of an institution for the day i shuffle as if i'm wearing slippers i look only at my feet ( not a good thing when your walking around a museum and all you see is your feet ) and i hold onto whom ever i have with me for dear life.
this week however i have challenged myself . i decided that i wanted to go and see someone who is very special to me. i hadn't sen them for a while and you get to the point sometimes when you have this selfish feeling that they are who you need to be around. when you can talk to them on the phone and hear that they are having a hard time and you want to be there for them. so many times in the past i have wanted to be there and haven't been able to because of this fear of traveling this fear of the unknown .
years ago i did attempt to get on a train well actually a couple of trains and go down and see him. i got as far as Victoria station thought i was doing really well until i went from the underground station to the over ground one. well just thinking about it makes my stomach drop. the ceiling in that building is huge to say the least. i think i got about ten or so steps into the station before is froze and was blanketed in panic , my hearty was racing and i was in danger of just not being able to move. i had to dig my finger nails into the palm of my hand look at the floor and walk out backwards because i didnt dare turn round, not sure i was popular with the rest of the travelers that day but i just needed to get out of there. i ended up having to make a paniced phone call and luckily he came to rescue me . took him an hour to get there but he came.
i didnt want that to happen years later with this time. this was something i wanted to do for him because i knew i needed to see him and spend some time, but more importantly for me so i knew i could do it and prove something to myself.
so wednesday after a had Googled the route and packed a bag i left my house. i had tried not to think about the route too much or the journey because i didnt want to panic about things that may not happen. you could say i was very focused. now the underground part of the journey was fine i had done this before and knew exactly where i was going. then i got to london bridge station and it got interesting. not only did i not know exactly where i was going and so didnt know the height of the ceilings or the layout very well ( problem number one ) it has escelaters not just little ones where you take a breath find your footing and then your fine but the sort that go into the bowels of hell . these are the ones where you can't see the top of them you know you have to get on but then so do the other million of people pushing and tutting their way through the station.
so deep breath was taken as i and the rest of the british public headed for this thing. i didnt have time to take a breath before i got shuffled on by the weight of the people behind me. i held on and watched my feet trying to remember to breath and going hot and cold. then number two slightly more shaky breathing heavier and trying now not to pass out or cry and wet myself in fear. but i made it . it was at this point i had no idea where i had to go to next i needed to get a ticket for the last leg of the journey i had no idea where the over land trains went from or where the ticket place was. so i went and asked in a rather shaky voice one of the station staff who was very nice as this small shaking slightly tearful person began asking advice. he only looked at me  like i was a little mad when i asked him how high the ceiling was in the other part of the station. so assured that it wouldnt be as high as Victoria i slowly made my way to escellater number three.
the ceiling was getting bigger by the mile and then there was this thing . i couldnt see the top of it at all there was nothing to hold on to to take a breath and right now i was in danger of freezing up altogether. i knew i had to find a way out and soon as other people pushed past me annoyed that i was stood in the middle of nowhere looking like a complete plank .
thank god i managed to get myself away from there and find my way to the outside of that station . by this time i was shaking like a leaf, so much so that it took a while for me to be able to light and smoke a ciggarette. then i had to take a deep breath and go back in again . i had to do this. thank god i was able to text a friend and talk to her . it was one of those failure is not an option moments. i knew no one was about to rescue me and well frankly i had to grow a pair and get on with it. so back i went to the escelater from hell . deep breaths and i was one holding onto the side for dear life and trying not to see how high the ceiling was. ok it wasn't as bad as it could have been but there was nothing to hold on to when i got off at the top. twelve deep breaths and six shuffling steps i find a pole by the end of the escelaters and grab on to that for dear life as i slowly turn round and carefully look about me. this is where i started talking to myself. infront of me there were a line of shops that means lower ceilings and twenty steps separated me from them. only twenty steps but at this point i wasn't sure i was going to be able to move at all. i was in danger of freezing completely right by the escelaters, but no it was one of those three two one countdown situations and then i put one foot infront of the other breathed deeply , well probably sounded by this time like i was about to give birth but hell i was moving.
i was also watching the floor going in a dead straight line and muttering to myself . so getting to the shops i then saw where the ticket office was and slowly made my way there after first glancing to see where the actual train platforms were to. so ticket got platform number now discovered i have to turn and go back over the high ceiling part to get to the trains. i have also been told i have five minutes ( no presssure then ) before the next train goes. so i cant see the platform . i ask . im told its up some nasty looking stairs right at the end of the platform in front of me. im not going to faint i want to i really want to , i'm not shaking like a leaf im in danger of falling over im so damn shaky i want to cry i wont but i bloody want to. and now i have to climb stairs. more muttering , more heavy breathing and for an extra push the finger nails have been dug into each palm as far as they can go. that way i get to think about the pain in my hand and not the fact that i was to curl up and rock in a corner. three flights of stirs two up one down and then im on the platform. the train is there quick check to make sure its the right one and i get on. find a seat sit down and breath.
i had done it. i was sweating like you wouldnt believe i was shaking like a leaf i looked quite frankly like i was on the run from something but and big but i had done it. i didnt cry i didnt freeze up and i didnt loose it .
for anyone with a phobia that is major . for someone who untill five or so years ago couldnt stand on a chair to change a light bulb or who doesnt knew what the inside of her loft looks like because she cant get on a ladder. for someone who never climbed a tree or a climbing frame as a child because of this fear  its a huge thing to have done. thats why i wanted to share it.
so when i say i dont do high ceilings i really don't i struggle with it daily but hell if i have to i am guessing i can . the trick now is to keep doing it .
so until next time dear readers these pants have left the building.

it's those little things that make the big things special

so right now i sit here looking rather Dickensian wrapped in a blanket in my arctic palace , a thoughtful smile and a mug of tea as i write this.
yes its damn chuffing cold right now but i have realized in these last couple of weeks that it's the small things that happen which make life special. moments like the welcome hug you get after four hours on a coach with a small fluffy nine yr old who suffers from travel sickness . it's the feeling that your home in another house with people that you have quickly grown the love and respect . it's watching your small fluffy son who is scared around dogs become best buddies with not one but two dogs over a weekend of walks and games . then seeing him sitting on the sofa with a dog on his lap and a smile on his face and the feeling of pride you get when you know that he has overcome a fear and you were there when he did .
then there are the unexpected phone calls from someone . Maybe they are a friend that just seems to know when you need them and they phone to see how you are . right now i can say that i am lucky enough to have friends like these that make me smile and that i thank my lucky stars i have them in my life.
i have to say that i'm not used to having such good friends around me . it's still a new thing for me to have people that i can trust with my thoughts. even so i am always mindful of maybe somehow disappointing them and loosing their respect and their trust. it is with this in mind that the next bit is written.
because there are also those times that you want to lock away from the world and keep inside yourself . those times when someone special calls out of the blue and makes you smile that little bit brighter. those moments when you see them and for a moment the world tilts a little until they hug you. then it's ok again. times when they call you to see what your doing and then the weekend that you had imagined being on your own changes. i have just had one of those weekends. from the surprise call, that first panic when you suddenly realize that you look like a bit of a train wreck and they are on their way . you can't locate your makeup , your underwear doesn't match and there is a hole in your sock. yes its stupid after all they have seen you first thing in the morning but you still want to look your best even after all this time and all the complications that have gone along.
and then they are there and you are on your way to spending the weekend at their home and the hole in your sock doesn't matter at all. then the weekend is just an album of snap shots . being curled up infront of a film wrapped around each other a smudge of melted chocolate down your jumper that he thinks is cute and rather funny. falling asleep with your head on their shoulder and only waking once they have stolen the whole of the duvet and parts of you are in danger of hyperthermia. shopping in the cold and walking hand in hand with them, with the hand that they are holding  kept warm by not only their hand but in the pocket of their coat as well. sensing them watching you and glancing over to see them smile at you . it's those times when you really know that your lucky .
so dear readers it's those little things , those special times with friends and the people that count in your life that make you blessed. it's not money or grand gestures . it's the little things that make the big things special .

it's been a while

dear readers it's been some time since my last blog .
so is this a blog or a confessional i wonder ? probably a bit of both . so what have i been doing ? how have i been feeling ? whatever happened to those blogging poetic pants?

the answer to that is rather a lot of things have happened some good some not so good , and im still trying to make sense of some of those things .it's strange i'm sitting here having decided that i would make tea and the kettle hasn't even gone on yet . i have been distracted by the sudden need to blog and be damned .
well first things first about a month ago i morphed from hermit pants to the traveling pants . not a big thing for most but for me this was huge . firstly i'm a terrible traveler i hate going anywhere i don't know, i have never traveled alone which is a sad thing for a thirty eight year old to admit to and if i were a cat i would probably have to be sedated to get me anywhere at all . But travel i did all the way to Derby to visit probably some of the nicest kindest most wonderful people ever put on this earth . I had never met them before we had talked on the phone and texted and tweeted in abundance but face to face , that was something that we hadn't done .
a four hour rather squashed coach trip later and with a numb backside , desperately needing a wee and feeling horribly nervous there i was at the coach station hoping that they would like me . From the first hug as soon as i met them i knew it would be alright. Karen and her lovely hubby Andy were so lovely , so friendly, so calming it seemed that this wasn't the first time at all it didnt feel like we had only just met and i felt immediately at home. so much so that after three hours of constant taking Andy even lent me his i pad so i could use twitter for the weekend . as soon as i had that and Karen had her's on silence fell only to be punctuated by Andy observing " oo it's gone quiet "

the rest of that weekend was probably the best weekend i had ever had . i felt so at phone at their house . i was spoilt rotten something that i'm not used to happening at all. even to the point of on sunday morning having toasted solders with my boiled eggs . at one point Karen said to me " you know your part of the family now your even talking to the dogs " and it was true i felt like i'd always been there and i really didnt want to come home .
it's weekends like that that make you realise the meaning of having true friends , the kind of friends that you wish were your family because they accept you when your family didn't. in two weeks i will be traveling up again to see them and this time i am bringing the fluffy one . i have a sneaking feeling that i wont be the one getting the royal treatment this time mind you. i have a feeling that this time it will be the turn of the fluffy one to experience the red carpet welcome .
after that i then went on and did another new thing for me and had a friend stay over at pants palace for the weekend . this was another new thing for me i'm usually so solitary but this made a lovely change. this time i got to cook and make someone feel welcome at my home . we spent the night chatting till the early hours and it was a really relaxing evening and next day . even when fluffy decided to make up a game that involved throwing a plastic ball across the frontroom and everytime you threw it you had to say the nine year old equivilant of a rude word . its actually quite liberating lobbing a ball at someone and yelling boobies at the top of your voice and then laughing like a school child.

but in every life a little rain must fall in my case it seems to be monsoon season as i have had to battle with various large government facilites this week and in the past month . now judge me on this if you want to but i am not someone who embraces change infact i am someone who runs screaming from it in fear of my life most of the time. have i always been this way ? yes yes i have and i will admit that freely to anyone who will listen . i am used to things being a certain way and no amount of reassurence that there are people to help you change is going to make me feel any differently. so to me being eased back into work filled me with insomnia-tic horror . yes that sounds bad saying that but walk a mile in my shoes and you may see why . just because i dont have a drug or drink problem and i can string a sentence together and i present myself a certain way does not mean that i am well enough for work . i have lain awake for months worrying about this . i dont have a bank account i dont own a c.v. i actually at one point trusted the job centre to help me and went to an appointment for them to be able to put one together for me . i never saw it again after the woman that i saw looked at what i had cobbled together frowned wrote all over it, made me fill out several forms and then promised to email the finished article . well two months on and nothing so that was the shred of hope that they actually meant what they said when they told me on several occasions that they were here to help . clearly they weren't at all . not only did they not do what they had promised they also misinformed me of my options and only chose to imform me on thursday of this week after they had to take me into a little sideroom as i had a minor melt down that i indeed did have options and none of those options would mean i would have to fill anything in at all.
so for the past few very draining days i have been battling a system that i neither understand nor do i trust while feeling like i want to cry  and curl up into a corner , while having the reoccurring nightmare that i would not only loose my home but my son aswell . and all the while this was going on i still had to appear normal infront of a nine year old that needs me as a nondribbling parent .
i thought i was doing ok until i went to get what i like to refer to as being shrink wrapped and the first thing that my lady says to me is are you eating you look very thin. . tis to be fair was before i went a brought and ate my way threw a family sized coffee cake and four flakes and a tin of soup . even so it's not what you want to hear after a six week absence from shrink wrapping really.
anyway this week draws to a close disaster for the moment has been averted and battle will again begin next week. all i can say is thank god for people that care, they ones that took the time to check i was ok either by phone or via twitter without you i would be truly alone . strangely but not surprisingly non of these people has been related to me at all infact i have not spoken to my family in weeks that is another story for another day .
so that has been me fighting to keep afloat a bit of a swan. outwardly calm inwardly paddling upstream fighting a tide that threatens to overwhelm me . so far though i havent let it . truth be told i'm not sure how much fight i have left , i may even start looking down the cracks of the sofa because you never know what you may find there . until next time these pants are retreating battered but so far not broken .

the curse of the follow friday

 yes it's friday in twitterville and that can only mean one thing . follow friday is upon us again. having missed the last three fridays and not having mentioned anyone at all i lay awake last night and wondered how i would get through another friday without doing a follow friday . you see i have tried wrting a list of all the people that i follow , my hand cramped i spelt several of the names wrong and i gave myself a headache . it was suggested i make a list and put all my favorite people on it and then link it to something although i'm not sure what i was supposed to link it to. anyone that knows me  will understand that i'm not technically minded in fact my tiny little brain doesn't work like that . so in stead here is what i have come up with a blog that says thank you for following , listening and enjoying what i do .

MY THANK YOU

to all of you that i speak to and laugh with,
to everyone who enjoys my blogging.
you all make my life that much brighter.
you have never judged me and have always excepted me for who i am .
so this goes out to everyone of you.
i can't thank you all enough for making me feel like i belong somewhere.
 now i'm a part of something great and it's you guys that have made it for me . so thank you everyone .
now my days aren't quite as lonely or long as they were .
 and it's all down to the people of twitter who have made me smile and laugh who have touched me with their kindness .

so thank you one and all .

pants xxxx