it's those little things that make the big things special

so right now i sit here looking rather Dickensian wrapped in a blanket in my arctic palace , a thoughtful smile and a mug of tea as i write this.
yes its damn chuffing cold right now but i have realized in these last couple of weeks that it's the small things that happen which make life special. moments like the welcome hug you get after four hours on a coach with a small fluffy nine yr old who suffers from travel sickness . it's the feeling that your home in another house with people that you have quickly grown the love and respect . it's watching your small fluffy son who is scared around dogs become best buddies with not one but two dogs over a weekend of walks and games . then seeing him sitting on the sofa with a dog on his lap and a smile on his face and the feeling of pride you get when you know that he has overcome a fear and you were there when he did .
then there are the unexpected phone calls from someone . Maybe they are a friend that just seems to know when you need them and they phone to see how you are . right now i can say that i am lucky enough to have friends like these that make me smile and that i thank my lucky stars i have them in my life.
i have to say that i'm not used to having such good friends around me . it's still a new thing for me to have people that i can trust with my thoughts. even so i am always mindful of maybe somehow disappointing them and loosing their respect and their trust. it is with this in mind that the next bit is written.
because there are also those times that you want to lock away from the world and keep inside yourself . those times when someone special calls out of the blue and makes you smile that little bit brighter. those moments when you see them and for a moment the world tilts a little until they hug you. then it's ok again. times when they call you to see what your doing and then the weekend that you had imagined being on your own changes. i have just had one of those weekends. from the surprise call, that first panic when you suddenly realize that you look like a bit of a train wreck and they are on their way . you can't locate your makeup , your underwear doesn't match and there is a hole in your sock. yes its stupid after all they have seen you first thing in the morning but you still want to look your best even after all this time and all the complications that have gone along.
and then they are there and you are on your way to spending the weekend at their home and the hole in your sock doesn't matter at all. then the weekend is just an album of snap shots . being curled up infront of a film wrapped around each other a smudge of melted chocolate down your jumper that he thinks is cute and rather funny. falling asleep with your head on their shoulder and only waking once they have stolen the whole of the duvet and parts of you are in danger of hyperthermia. shopping in the cold and walking hand in hand with them, with the hand that they are holding  kept warm by not only their hand but in the pocket of their coat as well. sensing them watching you and glancing over to see them smile at you . it's those times when you really know that your lucky .
so dear readers it's those little things , those special times with friends and the people that count in your life that make you blessed. it's not money or grand gestures . it's the little things that make the big things special .

it's been a while

dear readers it's been some time since my last blog .
so is this a blog or a confessional i wonder ? probably a bit of both . so what have i been doing ? how have i been feeling ? whatever happened to those blogging poetic pants?

the answer to that is rather a lot of things have happened some good some not so good , and im still trying to make sense of some of those things .it's strange i'm sitting here having decided that i would make tea and the kettle hasn't even gone on yet . i have been distracted by the sudden need to blog and be damned .
well first things first about a month ago i morphed from hermit pants to the traveling pants . not a big thing for most but for me this was huge . firstly i'm a terrible traveler i hate going anywhere i don't know, i have never traveled alone which is a sad thing for a thirty eight year old to admit to and if i were a cat i would probably have to be sedated to get me anywhere at all . But travel i did all the way to Derby to visit probably some of the nicest kindest most wonderful people ever put on this earth . I had never met them before we had talked on the phone and texted and tweeted in abundance but face to face , that was something that we hadn't done .
a four hour rather squashed coach trip later and with a numb backside , desperately needing a wee and feeling horribly nervous there i was at the coach station hoping that they would like me . From the first hug as soon as i met them i knew it would be alright. Karen and her lovely hubby Andy were so lovely , so friendly, so calming it seemed that this wasn't the first time at all it didnt feel like we had only just met and i felt immediately at home. so much so that after three hours of constant taking Andy even lent me his i pad so i could use twitter for the weekend . as soon as i had that and Karen had her's on silence fell only to be punctuated by Andy observing " oo it's gone quiet "

the rest of that weekend was probably the best weekend i had ever had . i felt so at phone at their house . i was spoilt rotten something that i'm not used to happening at all. even to the point of on sunday morning having toasted solders with my boiled eggs . at one point Karen said to me " you know your part of the family now your even talking to the dogs " and it was true i felt like i'd always been there and i really didnt want to come home .
it's weekends like that that make you realise the meaning of having true friends , the kind of friends that you wish were your family because they accept you when your family didn't. in two weeks i will be traveling up again to see them and this time i am bringing the fluffy one . i have a sneaking feeling that i wont be the one getting the royal treatment this time mind you. i have a feeling that this time it will be the turn of the fluffy one to experience the red carpet welcome .
after that i then went on and did another new thing for me and had a friend stay over at pants palace for the weekend . this was another new thing for me i'm usually so solitary but this made a lovely change. this time i got to cook and make someone feel welcome at my home . we spent the night chatting till the early hours and it was a really relaxing evening and next day . even when fluffy decided to make up a game that involved throwing a plastic ball across the frontroom and everytime you threw it you had to say the nine year old equivilant of a rude word . its actually quite liberating lobbing a ball at someone and yelling boobies at the top of your voice and then laughing like a school child.

but in every life a little rain must fall in my case it seems to be monsoon season as i have had to battle with various large government facilites this week and in the past month . now judge me on this if you want to but i am not someone who embraces change infact i am someone who runs screaming from it in fear of my life most of the time. have i always been this way ? yes yes i have and i will admit that freely to anyone who will listen . i am used to things being a certain way and no amount of reassurence that there are people to help you change is going to make me feel any differently. so to me being eased back into work filled me with insomnia-tic horror . yes that sounds bad saying that but walk a mile in my shoes and you may see why . just because i dont have a drug or drink problem and i can string a sentence together and i present myself a certain way does not mean that i am well enough for work . i have lain awake for months worrying about this . i dont have a bank account i dont own a c.v. i actually at one point trusted the job centre to help me and went to an appointment for them to be able to put one together for me . i never saw it again after the woman that i saw looked at what i had cobbled together frowned wrote all over it, made me fill out several forms and then promised to email the finished article . well two months on and nothing so that was the shred of hope that they actually meant what they said when they told me on several occasions that they were here to help . clearly they weren't at all . not only did they not do what they had promised they also misinformed me of my options and only chose to imform me on thursday of this week after they had to take me into a little sideroom as i had a minor melt down that i indeed did have options and none of those options would mean i would have to fill anything in at all.
so for the past few very draining days i have been battling a system that i neither understand nor do i trust while feeling like i want to cry  and curl up into a corner , while having the reoccurring nightmare that i would not only loose my home but my son aswell . and all the while this was going on i still had to appear normal infront of a nine year old that needs me as a nondribbling parent .
i thought i was doing ok until i went to get what i like to refer to as being shrink wrapped and the first thing that my lady says to me is are you eating you look very thin. . tis to be fair was before i went a brought and ate my way threw a family sized coffee cake and four flakes and a tin of soup . even so it's not what you want to hear after a six week absence from shrink wrapping really.
anyway this week draws to a close disaster for the moment has been averted and battle will again begin next week. all i can say is thank god for people that care, they ones that took the time to check i was ok either by phone or via twitter without you i would be truly alone . strangely but not surprisingly non of these people has been related to me at all infact i have not spoken to my family in weeks that is another story for another day .
so that has been me fighting to keep afloat a bit of a swan. outwardly calm inwardly paddling upstream fighting a tide that threatens to overwhelm me . so far though i havent let it . truth be told i'm not sure how much fight i have left , i may even start looking down the cracks of the sofa because you never know what you may find there . until next time these pants are retreating battered but so far not broken .

the curse of the follow friday

 yes it's friday in twitterville and that can only mean one thing . follow friday is upon us again. having missed the last three fridays and not having mentioned anyone at all i lay awake last night and wondered how i would get through another friday without doing a follow friday . you see i have tried wrting a list of all the people that i follow , my hand cramped i spelt several of the names wrong and i gave myself a headache . it was suggested i make a list and put all my favorite people on it and then link it to something although i'm not sure what i was supposed to link it to. anyone that knows me  will understand that i'm not technically minded in fact my tiny little brain doesn't work like that . so in stead here is what i have come up with a blog that says thank you for following , listening and enjoying what i do .

MY THANK YOU

to all of you that i speak to and laugh with,
to everyone who enjoys my blogging.
you all make my life that much brighter.
you have never judged me and have always excepted me for who i am .
so this goes out to everyone of you.
i can't thank you all enough for making me feel like i belong somewhere.
 now i'm a part of something great and it's you guys that have made it for me . so thank you everyone .
now my days aren't quite as lonely or long as they were .
 and it's all down to the people of twitter who have made me smile and laugh who have touched me with their kindness .

so thank you one and all .

pants xxxx

dental fluff

so today at pants palace is was the day of the dentist for the fluffy one . having had one of his teeth hit full on by a football last week and his usual dentist not being willing to see him at short notice i wandered him to mine cheeky yes but hey if you don't ask you don't get and i asked and i got. anyhow an hour several xrays , a long chat with the dentist about football and giggling that the xray of his teeth looked like fingers fluffy was told to come back today .
so back we went after school . the fluffy one used to filling his little face as soon as he gets out of school was mightily put out that i wouldn't let him eat anything before he got prodded , but after a few minutes face pulling he coped with the disappointment . we got to the dentist early . now when i say early i mean i couldn't remember what time i had booked couldn't find the appointment card in the carnage at pants palace and guessed the time. we were forty five minutes early. so to waste a little time fluffy asked if he could be a proper patient at my dentist because and quote fluffy ,
"My dentist is nasty . i like you better ."
that was the sentence that sealed the deal.now the fluffy one is a fully fledged member of my dentist and very happy he is to. while we sat there he discovered that some of his friends from school go there . the waiting room became like a social networking site for nine year olds at one point ,but as they all got seen one by one we were still waiting.
fluffy is a fidget a terrible fidget if there is a button he'll press it, a blind he'll pull it. at one point he went over to the counter and began prodding about to see what was on there. on the counter he found a pen attached to a chain and a ball that held the pen. fluffy being fluffy pulled the chain and the whole thing came off the counter and into his hand. glancing at the bottom of he announced,
"eww minging it's got chewing gum stuck to the bottom."
only to be told by the rather stern receptionist that it wasn't chewing gum but white tack.
by this point i had my head in my hands and was sliding into the chair in shame.
so replacing the pen and ball on the counter fluffy then checked under the chairs for gum danced to the radio while i died quietly inside.
i was so glad when we were called.
first thing fluffy notices is that the chair has changed colour from last week. now its red instead of green. he points this out to the dentist who tells him that it's to go with his school uniform which is red and grey. then fluffy looks out of the windows and asks what all the building work is for, to which the dentist who impresses me with his imagination replies, well we are making some more rooms. we knew you were coming back so we thought we'd make more room so when you get bigger you can still come to see us.
fluffy was suitably impressed by the answer and the following talk of paint colours that went with it .
and then the examination begins with fluffy pointing to parts of the dentists long line of buttons and gadgets and wanting to know which ones are about to be used on him. was he going to get the air that tickles or the scrappy thing ? where was the xray machine in this room ? why did they have water ? which button moved the chair and could he have some glasses for his eyes .
well his teeth are fine and he will be back in six months to see them . he promises faithfully to clean his teeth morning and night , and next time the dentist told him he could operate the chair and the light .
this is the dentist that small boys dreams are made of and fluffy is a very happy small boy right now.
so until next time dear readers the pants have left the building .

a lesson in depression

so it's nearly one o'clock in the morning and i am here . first time i've looked at the computer for a few days . the reason for this isn't because i have been busy but more because i've been ill. in fact i still am . depression is the name of this game and right now i'm loosing the battle.
now when you say your feeling depressed what usually springs to mind ? are you just having an off few days ? can you just shake it off like a cold or another virus? the answer to that is no you can't. it drowns you sapping your energy so you feel like your drowning in soup. it shuts you down from the inside out. just imagine if you will the energiser bunny without the batteries . even the simplest of tasks seem monumental and you simply stop caring. in fact you stop feeling anything at all. it takes you over sucking the life out of you all your personality disappears little by little and then it has you this thing that hangs around your neck like a dead weight.
so that's what i'm fighting now. it's got to the point where i can't be who i am in the real world of in the virtual world of twitter. which is why i havent taken part in either.
someone once asked me if i wanted to be known for my writing or an illness. right now i guess that i will be known for both . because i write i can put into words emotions and feelings that maybe can't be as easy expressed by other people and that makes me lucky if a little tortured. so this is my way of trying to be as honest as i can be about something that has been part of my life since junior school .if i have let anyone down then i'm sorry that maybe i'm not the person you thought i was. that person is still there somewhere the funny happy one with a random outlook on life. it's just hiding for a while in a box somewhere in my mind while the dark half takes over for a while. it will be back sometimes this weight that i carry takes more time to shift than at other times but it will shift eventually.
the good news is that so far i haven't seen any faces in the furniture or forgotten how to do the simple things like make a cup of tea which in the past has happened. sounds funny now but then it wasn't funny at all. imagine seeing a face appear in a bean bag an angry face with pigtales glaring at you through the fabric . that's when you know you need help . but not this time not yet now while i can still get up in the morning and force myself down the stairs and try and fight little by little.
and fight i am and fight i will for i am more than an illness the illness is not more than me .

in reply to the blog up norths blog on daughters

as a daughter i had a very difficult time with my father . For many years i looked up to him , was in awe of him and always felt that i had somehow let him down . If it wasn't for my father and the way i had been brought up, i would never have had the privliage of being introduced to so much culture. we shared a love of classical music , art, museums, reading all the things that made me terribley unpopular at school.
as a teenager i rebelled, refusing to listen to him even disliking what he stood for and running from what he had shared with me.
now though when he isn't here the moments that we had , listening to opera, walking round the Tate gallery in london and immersing ourselves in the arts are the ones that i treasure. now as a daughter i can look back and thank him quietly for what we shared and what he taught me when he was alive.

if poetry was scotch this would knock your socks off and cost loads

these poems are from twelve years ago but reading them makes me smile still . they say some drinks age well . i'd like to think these have to so enjoy .


he stands among friends
but alone
pain and desolation a barrier
apparent yet impassable

a heart broken and bleeding
lying in a pool of tears
a silent scream
into an empty night

touch his pain
and bleed with him
then watch
as he turns in on himself

feel helpless
as you try to understand him
feel his need
and know it isn't you he craves

taste his longing
with your tongue
feel the agony
as it cuts like a knife
and hope
that it will soon be over

and know
that he stands among friends
but always alone