a lesson in depression

so it's nearly one o'clock in the morning and i am here . first time i've looked at the computer for a few days . the reason for this isn't because i have been busy but more because i've been ill. in fact i still am . depression is the name of this game and right now i'm loosing the battle.
now when you say your feeling depressed what usually springs to mind ? are you just having an off few days ? can you just shake it off like a cold or another virus? the answer to that is no you can't. it drowns you sapping your energy so you feel like your drowning in soup. it shuts you down from the inside out. just imagine if you will the energiser bunny without the batteries . even the simplest of tasks seem monumental and you simply stop caring. in fact you stop feeling anything at all. it takes you over sucking the life out of you all your personality disappears little by little and then it has you this thing that hangs around your neck like a dead weight.
so that's what i'm fighting now. it's got to the point where i can't be who i am in the real world of in the virtual world of twitter. which is why i havent taken part in either.
someone once asked me if i wanted to be known for my writing or an illness. right now i guess that i will be known for both . because i write i can put into words emotions and feelings that maybe can't be as easy expressed by other people and that makes me lucky if a little tortured. so this is my way of trying to be as honest as i can be about something that has been part of my life since junior school .if i have let anyone down then i'm sorry that maybe i'm not the person you thought i was. that person is still there somewhere the funny happy one with a random outlook on life. it's just hiding for a while in a box somewhere in my mind while the dark half takes over for a while. it will be back sometimes this weight that i carry takes more time to shift than at other times but it will shift eventually.
the good news is that so far i haven't seen any faces in the furniture or forgotten how to do the simple things like make a cup of tea which in the past has happened. sounds funny now but then it wasn't funny at all. imagine seeing a face appear in a bean bag an angry face with pigtales glaring at you through the fabric . that's when you know you need help . but not this time not yet now while i can still get up in the morning and force myself down the stairs and try and fight little by little.
and fight i am and fight i will for i am more than an illness the illness is not more than me .