I love monday mornings . Mostly i would love to smack them in the side of the head with a septic fish head. Mondays signify the start of five mornings of school runs, alarm clocks that play the first three bars of an annoying song and then shut off. Fluffy having to be crow barred out of his pit kicking and screaming and wailing that he " feels sick, Has a head ache, Might die "
Today was no different apart from the fact that i grudgingly had to enlist the help of adulf father to the fluffy one. Seeing as mister fluff had managed to lose half his P.E kit i had to get replacements. The only reason i had to ask adulf is he has a car and the only place that does said school uniform is in the darkest reaches of Hounslow. So this morning fluffy had been drop kicked out of the door for school, cats had been fed, shit had been scooped and washing was on. Then adulf arrived and the white knuckle ride from hell began. Adulf is a bus driver. Anyone who has ever ridden on a bus will know that these drivers well most of them like the brake pedal , they absolutely adore the acceleration pedal and tend to use the two of them is quick succession. It's no different when you are in the passenger seat of their car. The only thing that is different is that they play crap music and talk at you while you sit with your nails embedded in the seat praying for a quick death.
He missed not one but two turnings, he complained at most of the other drivers that got in his way and he farted and burped his way through the whole journey. And then we got out of the car. Adulf in his alpha male mode had a map to said shop. He pulled out the map and muttered for a moment while i was busily hitching up my trousers which had begun a love affair with gravity. I had no idea where we were going, neither did he although he had a map, added to which my trousers and my undies had decided that down was the only way to go. It is impossible to be subtle when trying to rearrange your under clothes every three steps, your pants have found a safe haven by the backs of your knees and your trousers are threatening to follow them. He asked five people for directions. Five people all pointed to different places. we were still lost and by now i really was regretting that last vat of tea i had before leaving pants palace.
Then we saw a parking attendant, adulf went in for the kill and with his usual polite way began speaking,
"excuse me mate ( burp ) can you elp us ( burp ) we're looking for this place it's somewhere round here ( sniff belch ) "
First thing the man does is take the map from adulf's hand and turn it round the other way. He had been reading it upside down for the last twenty minutes. Now with correct directions it was actually just down the road we managed to find the shop. A school jumper, a pair of school shorts , a reversible rugby shirt and two white P.E shirts later we were out. half an hour later i was home to find cats rampaging about and the resident male had finally managed to rig up sky to the bedroom. It had only taken him all weekend to get it to work. Only thing now there is wire trailing the stairs as someone miscalculated the tack to wire ratio.
I have a feeling this week is going to be a challenge.
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