techno bloomers

Computers, the internet, printers anti viral stuff. What do all these things have in common ? I don't understand any of them. They aren't fast enough , you find ourself having to tap angrily at the same button a hundred times before it decides what it is you wanted it to do in the first place. They never work the way i want them to.
There is a rule of thumb in Pant's Palace if Pants says it's broken it is simple as that. It won't work therefore it is obviously Wanky and invented by a monkey called Malcolm who was taking a break from poo slinging at the local zoo.
Today's technical failings are as follows.
The printer that first of all wouldn't print and then spent the next ten minutes printing blank paper while the entire Amazon rain forest wept. This is the same printer that likes staying on all the time. It won't turn off. It's as if it's afraid to miss something. So little printer when I actually want to print something and I lovingly put paper into your compartment and I then excitedly press the print thingy on my word do dab, it would be lovely if you don't sit there and tell me that you have no paper. I put half a damn tree into you. That isn't exactly no paper that's what you call over and above the amount needed to print out eight lovingly typed out pages.
I hovered as sir bent over and mumbled at it for a while today. I did contemplate going into the garden for a cigarette while he fixed it but then that wouldn't have been very supportive so i didn't. It was the longest ten minutes of my entire life wondering if it was going to print out more than blank paper. Was it using invisible ink just to piss me off? They know you see . These things know when you don't like them and they make you suffer for it. But it did work things got printed and all was well with the world once again.

That is until tonight when my virus thing needed updating.
The updating itself isn't too much of an issue. I have managed to do that myself ( shocking I know ) on a couple of occasions. It gets more interesting when sir helps me do anything techy. He knows computers you see. His mind boggles at my complete lack of knowledge about anything remotely computer like. He has tried to explain the inner workings of my comp before , thing is what usually happens is I refuse point blank to listen. So when he tried to explain to me about my aunties virus using words like flanging, filching, and fishing in the web well it was always going to be a lost cause really.
Then I find out that filching has NOTHING to do with the internet at all. it involves bumholes and liquid of a high salt content ( I also put my fingers in my ears and la la la'd to that to )
As for being accused of surfing the web well that's just daft isn't it. I use a tiny amount of what i could do. |I blog ( obviously ) use twitter and that's about it. I'm not about to jump into the internet seat a surf board in my hands and arm bands on shouting surfer dude related things am i ? I don't even use the local swimming pool for gods sake.
I did explain this to sir. He did what he usually does, rolled his eyes smiled and said,
"And that's why i love you ."
Then he went to shoot things . I haven't sen him since.

So todays lesson.

It won't work therefore it is fucked.

and thus the pants have spoken.