while i've been away

so it seems another life time since i last wrote or did anything, actually it's been about a month. I'm not quite so jibbery now. In fact i keep singing to myself " I can see clearly now the drugs kicked in." so slowly but surely i am returning to some form of normality what ever the hell that is.
House still looks like a huge bomb got dropped and then covered every available surface with cat hair, but i tackle things like that one step at a time. First i swear at it and try to ignore it. Then i complain about it and hope that someone else will do it. Finally i end up doing it grudgingly grumpily but it gets done, until the next time anyone runs out of under wear or the cat sits on something and covers it in a layer of fur.
the fluffy one joined Karate he is now an orange belt and is loving his new found sport. It helps that one of his friends goes to the same thing.
Oh and we have not one cat but two. She has been with us for about two weeks now and is eleven weeks old. we have called her widget. i think she must be the fartiest kitten ever known to man. so far she has thrown up on fluffy's lunch box ( we didn't tell him ) and managed to either wipe her bum or actually trail poo round the kitchen and front room. Procrastination man has been poo'd on twice i have escaped the poo i just clear it up. Next week i am looking at taking out shares in vanish and fabreeze . but she is very sweet when she isn't being farty, the ratio of accidental poo to dirt tray poo is now getting back on track and psycho kitty is liking the company.
so that's me getting better doing things and trying to get back on track. i might just get keep taking the tablets tattooed somewhere well either that or the word arse.

until next time.

battle pants

my mind is at war. for a while now i have felt unwell, down, something hasn't been right. Little things seem like mountains i have to climb. The unexpected turns me into a scared angry person. I see shadows out of the corners of my eyes and then when i turn nothing is there. I seem to sleep alot of the time or not at all. I can't focus or settle i am distracted. The more i think the less i feel and then huge waves of angst hit me , my heart pounds i want to cry or scream or do something but i don't.
On the outside i seem fine but my mind is at war.
I will get better. i have little white pills that at the moment make me dizzy and sick and give me a feeling of falling down, but that will go. I will get better not cured but ok again.

i say a little pray for sleep

Right insomnia you and i need to have words.
Is there any chance that tonight you will let me sleep in more than two hours bursts ?
I really don't want to be waking up on the hour every bloody single silent hour tonight.
I don't want my pj bottoms to be making their way up every crevice imaginable, slowly strangling my intestines. While the legs look like i belong to the masons. It's not a good look for anyone.
If i go with night wear option two and  wear a night shirt i would like it to stay in one place, and for that place not to be permanently around my ears.
It would be nice if the cat would realize that if my legs do twitch at night, it's not because i want to wake up with her attached to my big toe. I would like to be able to stick one of both feet out of the end of the bed without fear of small furry attack .
I would also like you to see to it that i get my allotted side of the bed, all of it not the three millimeters i am usually given. It would also be nice if i didn't have so much cover. The hot flushes of middle age are rapidly gaining on me i don't need to be cocooned.
See i don't ask for much do i?
really on the grand scale of things i want very little.
Just sleep.

Being Pants

I remember when i first joined twitter. It was two or so years ago now. I had drunk too much coffee and was awake at 4.30am, so i thought why not.I finally had internet access after years of fighting against it. I'm not one for change, but sometimes it's like trying to hold back a tidal wave. Whatever happens your bound to get wet so you may as well stand back and let the inevitable happen. Anyhow that was the idea, give twitter a chance, find a voice. After all i had things to say didn't i? So why not do it somewhere that no one knows you, you know no one and then you can say what ever you want to. Well that was the idea back then.
For a while that worked. I wasn't just someone who didn't see or hear from anyone for days on end. I had a window to the outside world. Suddenly with Twitter @Pantsbum was born. I was free to say what i wanted. I could swear and i did. i could have opinions people would normally suck their teeth at in real life, but here i didn't care. It was a case of look out world the pants have landed in all their couldn't give a shit glory.

So what happened?

Suddenly ( not in the overnight success sense ) I was popular. People found me amusing and not an embarrassment. After years, decades even of trying to conform i found i didn't have to. I was free. For a while i had a voice and i wasn't ashamed of using it.
But then the inevitable happens. People complain. I get phone calls from family members telling me that in no uncertain terms that my opinion isn't welcome. I shouldn't be writing the things that i do. Strangers sometimes take that line. I even had people that i didn't know telling me to go jump off a cliff no one wants to read my blog, my tweets. I'm a pathetic individual ect ect. why don't i just go and die?
So i get a little angry, but those storms are weathered. I don't write about my anger the way i used to. I go back to sucking it up and saying nothing, the way i always did. But i loose my touch, my ability to say what i feel. I can't do that anymore. I find myself over analyzing everything. Can i have this thought ? Would this thought be approved of or would it be deemed inappropriate for general release ?
thinking back the death knell came when someone whose opinion i valued, who had encouraged me to start my blog, and even found me someone who could help me set it up, told me he thought i had lost my touch. Thinking back he was right. We don't speak anymore, haven't for about a year now, because i threw my collective toys out of my pram and in a not very adult way blanked him after that. I was a fool and now he will probably never know how much i am grateful to him for the encouragement he gave all those years ago. It's good when people believe in you and those are the people that matter above all others.

So where am i now ?

After a year of very unfunny , not particularly ranty and completely uninspired tweetings and the odd blog, i have discovered some things about myself.

I need to stop trying and just start being.
I need to stop listening to the ones who say i can't and start believing in the ones who say i can.
I may not always be someone's cup of tea and that's fine.
I am an embarrassment and that's fine to.
I need to stop being ashamed of who i am.
So now is the time to stop hiding.
I'm not perfect. Perfection is overrated.
I'm a forty year old who wears hightops, likes jumpers with skulls on them and listens to anything from classical to drum and base and dubstep.
It's ok not to be popular and most importantly of all I'm fine with being me.
I will still be pants just pants reborn.
P- persistent
A- and
N- not
T- taking
S- shit

That's being Pants.

Don't put the fluffy one on a t-shirt Mrs worthington

So last week i finally got round to the fun part of easter shopping, no not the eggs they would have melted in the sun and thus i would have had to eat them as a quality control measure. I haven't got round to getting them yet, but better than chocolate eggs what says i love you more than ( drum roll please ) a t-shirt . Not any old t-shirt though but a personalized one. Yes i can hear a collective of palms hitting foreheads as i write this but i thought it was an excellent think outside the traditional box idea. So four of these said t-shirts were brought ordered and the writing instructed in font color ect. For one i even printed out a picture of what i exactly wanted on it. I pick them up tomorrow and can i say i am more than a little excited about this.
But i seem to have unleashed some kind of slogan monster. It's the fluffy ones fault. He wanted what he calls a * Twitter T-Shirt*. I have one with my name on it and writing on the back so he wanted one with fluffy written on it. Being the wonderful human being that i am he has his wish. His t-shirt will read @fluffy on the front and spreading the fluff since 2001 on the back.
The thing is now i have done one i can't stop thinking up others . I may be in danger of branding fluffy. Not literally with an iron but in t-shirt form just as he is blossoming into teenage hood growing hormones gaining street cred, mummy has put him on a t-shirt. Mummy plans to put him on many more t-shirts, mummy wants to draw an emblem to also put on said t shirts.

Maybe it's time fluffy takes up boxing just in case.

the creativity paper chase

a few days ago i had a sudden attack of inspiration. it's not the sort of thing you can take a tablet for and hope that it will go away. they don't go when you have a mind like a hamster wheel and things go round and round in your mind. you see things as if they are on a big screen in your head, stolen conversations with people you'll never know, situations that you will never be in, places you can only dream of and all in your mind.
anyway i had this idea f a concept blog of sorts a work of fiction if you will. great idea something that i could do and hopefully people if they ever found it would enjoy. so blog was set up i nearly managed to do it all myself even the techy stuff that usually leaves me ranting and barking orders at the resident man. ok so he tweaked it so it looked nice and i sat as far away from the screen as possible and told him not to explain to me what he was doing, i didnt want to know i just wanted it done.So it was done and it has sat there bare till now.
So whats stopping me now ? i havent written anything for months. In fact i went as far as saying that i would never write again. Apparently blogging isnt writing so i have been told so this doesn't count. but for days now i have had something going round and round in my head a great idea for something. How do i know it's a great idea ? rule of thumb if it's still there in the morning and it doesnt leave your head and you keep thinking about it then it's a good idea. I could see it all so clearly. I have the first paragraph in my mind exactly and it's been there all week near enough.
i brought a brand new posh notebook, and found a posh writing pen well posh to my standards anyway and this afternoon i had a few hours when there was no one around so i thought now was the time. get something written and then blog it and after that hide under the desk and wait for someone to tell you how crap it is. i didnt have to hide though.
as soon as i started to write anything down it looked wrong, it sounded wrong. oh christ i thought i'm out of practice at the writing thing. but i kept going. in fact i have thought of nothing else all evening. i even went away and then came back to it, picked up the pen and had another go. it's a great idea , but it's wrong. i have taken a great concept and arsed it up.
do self doubt sets in. maybe i should never have picked up that pen, spent money on that notebook. maybe i should have kept those thoughts in my head where i could see this story unfold, maybe it's better off there. so now i am looking at the things i have written and i am wondering if i have to do the unthinkable and tear the pages out and throw them away. i have never ever done that before. i don't rewrite i tweak. i never throw anything away till now. what if i have lost what little touch i had. had my time past ? should i just sit quietly at my desk and watch while others who are far more capable than i do the only thing that has driven me for 35 years. writing is all i ever wanted to do and now i am wondering if i actually can. or am i just a day dreamer with a multicolor imagination ?

the i'm fine myth

it's been a while i am more grumpy than usual. i have a mind that won't stop and a body that won't start. i am avoiding people as much as i can, but it's hard when you don't live by yourself. times like this i wish i did although it's probably not the healthiest thing to be doing. any how enough of that, let's concentrate on todays lesson.

imagine this your walking down the street you see someone you havent seen for a while you ask them how they are. what do they say ?
"I'm fine "

those two little words signify one of the biggest planetary lies available. People are never just "fine" . Fine is one of those magnolia words used when you can't think of anything to say or you don't want to get into a conversation. Saying your fine is like saying something is nice or someone is nice. It's a double edged insult , it's bordering on boring, it's the thing you say when you can't think of a better word to describe how things are. It's a lie a mythical word for a mythical frame of mind. it's like sudden brain death just hit your ability for descriptive verse.
 saying all of that though it can also be used when you don't want to burden people with your life. You know they have other things going on and when they ask you " i'm fine " is a way of you acknowledging the fact that they care but also that they have enough going on.
So don't ask me how i am. i may have to go magnolia on your arse ( said in best american typing accent ) and tell you that,
"I'm fine ."